Living in the present

Now that all the wedding fuss is over and things have pretty much returned to normal, Michael and I find ourselves thinking, "ok, what's next?"

For the first time in eight years, I now find myself without full time employment. I felt it was time to leave my job in politics earlier this summer and honestly I haven't regretted that decision one single time. Michael is also pretty desperate to leave the job he's been at for the last three years.

In a way, it's a very exciting time. With no kids and no mortgage, we don't really have anything holding us down. We could literally move anywhere in the world. We have both been talking about what it would be like to live and work overseas for quite some time (pretty much since we met). I had a drink with a friend yesterday and she said, "What are you waiting for? You guys should just do it."

What are we waiting for? We have been advised that it's not smart for newly-married couples to move to a foreign country. It's best to wait at least a year. I can definitely see the wisdom in that. Being married is a huge lifestyle adjustment and I can see how living in a foreign culture could make it even harder.

I think the hardest thing is just not knowing exactly what we are working toward. We would both love to do full-time ministry but we don't have a clear idea of what that looks like. I know that God is definitely teaching us a lot in this time, just showing us what it looks like to work together. He is definitely refining us. Maybe right now He just wants us to be patient and trust Him. And to really surrender the areas of our lives where we aren't trusting Him.

I am trying to just live each day in the present, focusing on the tasks that he has given me - putting on a fall banquet, reading the Bible with a friend, leading a missional community, being a good wife (not in that order). I don't want to become so obsessed with the future that I forget to appreciate all the amazing opportunities right in front of me.

James 4:13-17
¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷ So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

New name, new life!

So much has happened in the last three months!!!

First off, I got married! Woohoo! It was an amazing, perfect, beautiful day. Here's a photo.

After the wedding, we were off on a jetplane to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We stayed at the Couples Swept Away resort in Negril, Jamaica. I HIGHLY recommend it! Our first day there we were swimming in the clear blue water of the ocean and suddenly a violinist who was sitting on the beach starting playing, "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. I was like, "is this place for real?" Turns out there was a wedding ceremony about to take place. We watched the whole thing from the water. :)

We returned to Austin and I came back to a new home and a new life! After about 8 years working in politics, I decided it was time for a change and so I quit my job. I'm now working for an Austin ministry called River City Hope Street (www.hopestreetaustin.org) I am helping with administration, communications and fundraising. My big project now is planning a fall fundraising banquet. It's going to be a lot of fun.

People keep asking me, "how's married life?" Well, it's great! We just celebrated our two month anniversary last week. :) The last two months have been a transitional period. (That's the under statement of the year.) It's been a period of moving, selling a lot of our stuff, buying all new furniture, organizing and decorating, learning how to live together, finding our routine. I'm really starting to just now feel settled.

I really like our little townhouse. It is cute and cozy. We have two pets, a dog named Phoenix and a cat named Ginger. (We had a very sad time last month when my beloved cat Freddy passed away.) We live in a nice, quiet neighborhood. We've been going on a lot of walks, jogs and bike rides.

Now that I'm settled again, I really want to start blogging again! Honestly the first six months of this year were kind of a blur. I'm hoping to have a little more downtime now and start writing more. So, stay tuned!

Light at the end of the tunnel

I haven't written a blog in three months because, well, the last three months have been intense.

Michael and I finished our fifth session of pre-marital counseling tonight. It will be the last time we meet with our mentor couple till we get back from the honeymoon (we still have three sessions left, our church takes marriage counseling pretty seriously!). Our sessions have covered everthing from conflict, sex, money, in-laws, communication and our pasts. The good news is, we are still together and the wedding is still on! :) It's been difficult at times but I HIGHLY recommend it.

I've found in this season a new dependence on the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael and I cannot wait to marry him, but marriage is scary. I'm 34 and I've lived a long time on my own. I have sin embedded in my heart so deep I'm not even aware of it. I'm going to make a covenant with someone who is equally as sinful. It's this unknown step in faith. But our reassurance is that we are both walking with the Lord. We both have the Holy Spirit refining us, teaching us.

In times of doubt and insecurity, I've found myself looking to Michael for reassurance, but I've felt the Lord speaking to me in those times, saying "Trust me. I love you more than anyone else. I'm the one who will always be there." As much as Michael loves me, he can never minister to the broken places in my soul like God can.

This has been a season of learning about God's plan for marriage and His heart behind it. It is an amazing, mysterious thing, two people becoming one, reflecting Jesus and the Church. God has already been using it to show me my own selfishness, my need for approval, my need to be right, my need to be in control. Sometimes I think I can't do it, it sounds too hard. Too many people get divorced or just end up miserable. But I know fear is not from God. It is in those times that I cry out to Him and pray, "I cannot do it on my own. But I know you can."

I was looking at a photo of us tonight, all smiling and happy and optimistic. I want to look back at that picture 10 years from now and be able to say, "it just kept getting better." I want to make Michael's life happy. I want us to have a good life together. I am thankful for a Savior who makes all things new, who can put broken lives back together, who is faithful to walk with us each step of the way.

 

Engaged!

Soooo, quite a bit has happened since my last night post. Christmas with family, celebrated my birthday, rang in the new year. And oh yeah, I GOT ENGAGED!!!

So crazy! It happened New Years Eve, while we were in Kansas City visiting Michael's family for New Year's. That trip is a bit of a whirlwind blur to me. Confession: I had a pretty good idea that he was going to ask me during that trip. I did know that he had purchased a ring (Michael is HORRIBLE at keeping secrets. Just awful. Really.) I didn't know what it looked like though, so at least that was a surprise and, of course, I didn't know when he would ask me, so that was an even bigger surprise.

I always thought I was the kind of gal that was pretty good at going with the flow, taking things in stride, enjoying the suspense. Nope, turns out I was wrong. I couldn't stand the suspense! Every moment I was thinking, "is he going to do it now? Now? Now?" I couldn't sleep! Even with Ambien! Couple that with the fact that this was our first stay with his parents, first time in KC together, first time meeting his extended family, and my emotions were just all over the place.

Ok I'll cut to the chase. This is how it happened. On the morning of New Year's Eve, we had made plans to have breakfast with some of my old college friends who I hadn't seen in ages. It had been snowing pretty good and was still snowing as we drove to their house. We had a fun time but I noticed that Michael left a couple times to make a phone call and he seemed a little nervous. They asked what our plans for New Year's were and I said we were going to the plaza but Michael said something like, "Well we'll see what happens." He seemed really concerned that we weren't going to make it to the plaza because of the snow.

After a couple hours, we left to go back to his parents' house. He said he was going to drop me off but that he and his dad had to go somewhere. That obviously was a huge clue as well but honestly I was too tired to think about it and said that was fine because I wanted to take a nap. The problem was that, as soon as I laid down, I still couldn't sleep! He had left with his dad somewhere he couldn't tell me!? I knew the jig was up. So then the waiting period began.

Around 3 p.m. his mom knocked on my door and said that Michael had called and he was going to pick me up at 4. So I got up and started getting ready. I was so freaking tired but excited all at the same time. I started putting my makeup on in the downstairs bathroom, meanwhile Michael's mom was upstairs by herself blasting romantic ballads on the stereo. It was a surreal moment and I started to get emotional.

Finally I guess Joan (Michael's mom) couldn't stand us being in separate parts of the house anymore so she called down to me and said to come upstairs. She wanted to show me something. I went upstairs and she said, "look outside! look at all the birds!" I looked in their backyard and there must have been a dozen cardinal birds flying around out there and playing in the snow. It was so beautiful.

The romantic ballads were still blasting and I was trying to not start crying while watching all the cardinals. I didn't know what to say to Joan because I knew she must be in on the whole thing and I didn't want to ruin the surprise. So I just waited. Finally, at 4, Michael showed up. He came and gave me a kiss and I showed him the birds outside.

It was so weird. Of course I couldn't ask him where he had been. His parents were busy packing up their car with stuff because the plan was for us to drive over to his sister's house for dinner. (we were taking two cars) As they were packing up, Joan said "Cassie you just have to know that this weather has changed everything. We had to change some things up." Apparently not keeping secrets runs in the family. So we left.

Michael and I drove in his truck and followed his parents. That was the most surreal drive of my entire life. I kept thinking, "we're going to his sister's, so is he going to ask me there in front of his family? does this mean we aren't going to the plaza at all?" I had so many questions swirling in my brain but I was determined not to ask any of them. I was insanely nervous. We just made a little bit of casual small talk on the drive but mostly we just rode in silence.

As we rode farther, I could tell that in fact we were not driving to his sister's. For one, we drove past Royals Stadium and I knew that wasn't near Meghan's. So then my mind started racing again... "where are we going? are we going to the plaza after all? why are we following his parents then?" my nervousness increased. I don't know why I was nervous! I think it was just all the anticipation I had been feeling for weeks had just built up to that moment. My mind was racing. "He's going to do it!"

Finally I said, "So I take it we aren't going to your sister's?" Michael just kind of smiled. So then I started to recognize the scenery and we were in fact at the Plaza. Michael's dad, who was driving in front of us, suddenly veared off onto another street and we went a different way. (It turned out Michael was just following his dad since he didn't know KC that well and didn't want to get lost.) We drove a few blocks and came to a park.

By this time it was dusk and everything was very quiet. The park was completely deserted. We pulled up beside a rose garden and Michael parked. He came and opened my door and after I got out of the truck, he pulled out a dozen red roses that he had somehow managed to fit behind the seat without me seeing them. It was gently snowing. He handed me the roses and took my hand and we walked over to the rose garden. There was a little pavilion look out area at one end of the garden. By this point I almost felt like I was going to pass out, the whole thing was too surreal. I just couldn't take it. It felt like a dream.

As we walked toward the pavilion, there was a man standing by himself, just looking at the garden. I was like, "who is that guy?" Fortunately, he kind of walked away as we approached. We looked out at the garden for a minute and then Michael started talking about us and our relationship. For the life of me, I cannot remember what he said. I know it had to do with us both wanting marriage and us being evenly yoked and I'm sure it was very sweet. ha! The only thing I remember is when he pulled the ring out of his pocket and opened it and got down on his knee and said, "Cassie Daun Holman, will you marry me?" Of course I said yes! He stood up and put the ring on my finger. What a great feeling!

Suddenly I realized we didn't have anyone to take a photo of us. Fortunately that strange guy just hanging out by himself was still there, so we shouted at him and asked if he could take our photo. We told him we had just gotten engaged. "Ah! I thought that might be what was happening." he said. "Sure, actually I'm a wedding photographer!" Crazy! So of course he took this amazing picture with my Iphone. That was totally a blessing because there was seriously not one other person out there for miles.

So then we walked down and strolled through the garden. By this time the sun had set and all the rose bushes were covered in snow. Everything looked so peaceful and quiet. At the end of the garden we stopped and hugged and Michael said he wanted to say a prayer. So he prayed that God would bless us and watch over us. That was the point when I started crying. My emotions finally caught up to me. His prayer was so sweet.

After that prayer I just wanted to start skipping and running and jumping! We drove over to another nearby little park and we ran through the snow and threw snowballs at each other. I felt so happy!

I wanted to go back to the rose garden though so we did. I didn't want the moment to end. I wanted to reinact it. So we did. Seriously. Ha! I asked him to ask me again. So he did. It was awesome. It was like this moment that you wait for YEARS for and I just wanted to stay there and remember it and not let it pass by.

So finally we left because it was freezing. My fingers were completely frozen. We went over to a restaurant in the Plaza. It was perfect because they had an open table right in front of this huge fire place. So we sat there and warmed up and ordered two drinks. We finished our drinks and left and got another picture taken of us in the Plaza then we actually did go over to his sister's. It was nice because his parents and meghan and jake were waiting for us with glasses of champagne and we celebrated with a toast.

Jake had spent all day making a really amazing dinner that was delicious. So we just ate and laughed and then played pitch. It was a perfect evening. :)

I found out later that the reason Michael left that afternoon for a couple hours was because his original plan was to take me on a carriage ride through the Plaza, but because of the snow they had cancelled all the carriage rides. He didn't know KC very well so he was left scrambling to find a back up location. He and his dad drove all over the city until they finally found the rose garden and Michael knew that was the place.

That day started out pretty stressful and chaotic (for both of us I think) but ended up being romantic and perfect.  I still have that feeling sometimes when I look at my ring, like I am in a dream. It was a long wait but it was worth it.