Living in the present

Now that all the wedding fuss is over and things have pretty much returned to normal, Michael and I find ourselves thinking, "ok, what's next?"

For the first time in eight years, I now find myself without full time employment. I felt it was time to leave my job in politics earlier this summer and honestly I haven't regretted that decision one single time. Michael is also pretty desperate to leave the job he's been at for the last three years.

In a way, it's a very exciting time. With no kids and no mortgage, we don't really have anything holding us down. We could literally move anywhere in the world. We have both been talking about what it would be like to live and work overseas for quite some time (pretty much since we met). I had a drink with a friend yesterday and she said, "What are you waiting for? You guys should just do it."

What are we waiting for? We have been advised that it's not smart for newly-married couples to move to a foreign country. It's best to wait at least a year. I can definitely see the wisdom in that. Being married is a huge lifestyle adjustment and I can see how living in a foreign culture could make it even harder.

I think the hardest thing is just not knowing exactly what we are working toward. We would both love to do full-time ministry but we don't have a clear idea of what that looks like. I know that God is definitely teaching us a lot in this time, just showing us what it looks like to work together. He is definitely refining us. Maybe right now He just wants us to be patient and trust Him. And to really surrender the areas of our lives where we aren't trusting Him.

I am trying to just live each day in the present, focusing on the tasks that he has given me - putting on a fall banquet, reading the Bible with a friend, leading a missional community, being a good wife (not in that order). I don't want to become so obsessed with the future that I forget to appreciate all the amazing opportunities right in front of me.

James 4:13-17
¹³ Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— ¹⁴ yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. ¹⁷ So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

New name, new life!

So much has happened in the last three months!!!

First off, I got married! Woohoo! It was an amazing, perfect, beautiful day. Here's a photo.

After the wedding, we were off on a jetplane to Jamaica for our honeymoon. We stayed at the Couples Swept Away resort in Negril, Jamaica. I HIGHLY recommend it! Our first day there we were swimming in the clear blue water of the ocean and suddenly a violinist who was sitting on the beach starting playing, "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. I was like, "is this place for real?" Turns out there was a wedding ceremony about to take place. We watched the whole thing from the water. :)

We returned to Austin and I came back to a new home and a new life! After about 8 years working in politics, I decided it was time for a change and so I quit my job. I'm now working for an Austin ministry called River City Hope Street (www.hopestreetaustin.org) I am helping with administration, communications and fundraising. My big project now is planning a fall fundraising banquet. It's going to be a lot of fun.

People keep asking me, "how's married life?" Well, it's great! We just celebrated our two month anniversary last week. :) The last two months have been a transitional period. (That's the under statement of the year.) It's been a period of moving, selling a lot of our stuff, buying all new furniture, organizing and decorating, learning how to live together, finding our routine. I'm really starting to just now feel settled.

I really like our little townhouse. It is cute and cozy. We have two pets, a dog named Phoenix and a cat named Ginger. (We had a very sad time last month when my beloved cat Freddy passed away.) We live in a nice, quiet neighborhood. We've been going on a lot of walks, jogs and bike rides.

Now that I'm settled again, I really want to start blogging again! Honestly the first six months of this year were kind of a blur. I'm hoping to have a little more downtime now and start writing more. So, stay tuned!

Light at the end of the tunnel

I haven't written a blog in three months because, well, the last three months have been intense.

Michael and I finished our fifth session of pre-marital counseling tonight. It will be the last time we meet with our mentor couple till we get back from the honeymoon (we still have three sessions left, our church takes marriage counseling pretty seriously!). Our sessions have covered everthing from conflict, sex, money, in-laws, communication and our pasts. The good news is, we are still together and the wedding is still on! :) It's been difficult at times but I HIGHLY recommend it.

I've found in this season a new dependence on the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael and I cannot wait to marry him, but marriage is scary. I'm 34 and I've lived a long time on my own. I have sin embedded in my heart so deep I'm not even aware of it. I'm going to make a covenant with someone who is equally as sinful. It's this unknown step in faith. But our reassurance is that we are both walking with the Lord. We both have the Holy Spirit refining us, teaching us.

In times of doubt and insecurity, I've found myself looking to Michael for reassurance, but I've felt the Lord speaking to me in those times, saying "Trust me. I love you more than anyone else. I'm the one who will always be there." As much as Michael loves me, he can never minister to the broken places in my soul like God can.

This has been a season of learning about God's plan for marriage and His heart behind it. It is an amazing, mysterious thing, two people becoming one, reflecting Jesus and the Church. God has already been using it to show me my own selfishness, my need for approval, my need to be right, my need to be in control. Sometimes I think I can't do it, it sounds too hard. Too many people get divorced or just end up miserable. But I know fear is not from God. It is in those times that I cry out to Him and pray, "I cannot do it on my own. But I know you can."

I was looking at a photo of us tonight, all smiling and happy and optimistic. I want to look back at that picture 10 years from now and be able to say, "it just kept getting better." I want to make Michael's life happy. I want us to have a good life together. I am thankful for a Savior who makes all things new, who can put broken lives back together, who is faithful to walk with us each step of the way.

 

Engaged!

Soooo, quite a bit has happened since my last night post. Christmas with family, celebrated my birthday, rang in the new year. And oh yeah, I GOT ENGAGED!!!

So crazy! It happened New Years Eve, while we were in Kansas City visiting Michael's family for New Year's. That trip is a bit of a whirlwind blur to me. Confession: I had a pretty good idea that he was going to ask me during that trip. I did know that he had purchased a ring (Michael is HORRIBLE at keeping secrets. Just awful. Really.) I didn't know what it looked like though, so at least that was a surprise and, of course, I didn't know when he would ask me, so that was an even bigger surprise.

I always thought I was the kind of gal that was pretty good at going with the flow, taking things in stride, enjoying the suspense. Nope, turns out I was wrong. I couldn't stand the suspense! Every moment I was thinking, "is he going to do it now? Now? Now?" I couldn't sleep! Even with Ambien! Couple that with the fact that this was our first stay with his parents, first time in KC together, first time meeting his extended family, and my emotions were just all over the place.

Ok I'll cut to the chase. This is how it happened. On the morning of New Year's Eve, we had made plans to have breakfast with some of my old college friends who I hadn't seen in ages. It had been snowing pretty good and was still snowing as we drove to their house. We had a fun time but I noticed that Michael left a couple times to make a phone call and he seemed a little nervous. They asked what our plans for New Year's were and I said we were going to the plaza but Michael said something like, "Well we'll see what happens." He seemed really concerned that we weren't going to make it to the plaza because of the snow.

After a couple hours, we left to go back to his parents' house. He said he was going to drop me off but that he and his dad had to go somewhere. That obviously was a huge clue as well but honestly I was too tired to think about it and said that was fine because I wanted to take a nap. The problem was that, as soon as I laid down, I still couldn't sleep! He had left with his dad somewhere he couldn't tell me!? I knew the jig was up. So then the waiting period began.

Around 3 p.m. his mom knocked on my door and said that Michael had called and he was going to pick me up at 4. So I got up and started getting ready. I was so freaking tired but excited all at the same time. I started putting my makeup on in the downstairs bathroom, meanwhile Michael's mom was upstairs by herself blasting romantic ballads on the stereo. It was a surreal moment and I started to get emotional.

Finally I guess Joan (Michael's mom) couldn't stand us being in separate parts of the house anymore so she called down to me and said to come upstairs. She wanted to show me something. I went upstairs and she said, "look outside! look at all the birds!" I looked in their backyard and there must have been a dozen cardinal birds flying around out there and playing in the snow. It was so beautiful.

The romantic ballads were still blasting and I was trying to not start crying while watching all the cardinals. I didn't know what to say to Joan because I knew she must be in on the whole thing and I didn't want to ruin the surprise. So I just waited. Finally, at 4, Michael showed up. He came and gave me a kiss and I showed him the birds outside.

It was so weird. Of course I couldn't ask him where he had been. His parents were busy packing up their car with stuff because the plan was for us to drive over to his sister's house for dinner. (we were taking two cars) As they were packing up, Joan said "Cassie you just have to know that this weather has changed everything. We had to change some things up." Apparently not keeping secrets runs in the family. So we left.

Michael and I drove in his truck and followed his parents. That was the most surreal drive of my entire life. I kept thinking, "we're going to his sister's, so is he going to ask me there in front of his family? does this mean we aren't going to the plaza at all?" I had so many questions swirling in my brain but I was determined not to ask any of them. I was insanely nervous. We just made a little bit of casual small talk on the drive but mostly we just rode in silence.

As we rode farther, I could tell that in fact we were not driving to his sister's. For one, we drove past Royals Stadium and I knew that wasn't near Meghan's. So then my mind started racing again... "where are we going? are we going to the plaza after all? why are we following his parents then?" my nervousness increased. I don't know why I was nervous! I think it was just all the anticipation I had been feeling for weeks had just built up to that moment. My mind was racing. "He's going to do it!"

Finally I said, "So I take it we aren't going to your sister's?" Michael just kind of smiled. So then I started to recognize the scenery and we were in fact at the Plaza. Michael's dad, who was driving in front of us, suddenly veared off onto another street and we went a different way. (It turned out Michael was just following his dad since he didn't know KC that well and didn't want to get lost.) We drove a few blocks and came to a park.

By this time it was dusk and everything was very quiet. The park was completely deserted. We pulled up beside a rose garden and Michael parked. He came and opened my door and after I got out of the truck, he pulled out a dozen red roses that he had somehow managed to fit behind the seat without me seeing them. It was gently snowing. He handed me the roses and took my hand and we walked over to the rose garden. There was a little pavilion look out area at one end of the garden. By this point I almost felt like I was going to pass out, the whole thing was too surreal. I just couldn't take it. It felt like a dream.

As we walked toward the pavilion, there was a man standing by himself, just looking at the garden. I was like, "who is that guy?" Fortunately, he kind of walked away as we approached. We looked out at the garden for a minute and then Michael started talking about us and our relationship. For the life of me, I cannot remember what he said. I know it had to do with us both wanting marriage and us being evenly yoked and I'm sure it was very sweet. ha! The only thing I remember is when he pulled the ring out of his pocket and opened it and got down on his knee and said, "Cassie Daun Holman, will you marry me?" Of course I said yes! He stood up and put the ring on my finger. What a great feeling!

Suddenly I realized we didn't have anyone to take a photo of us. Fortunately that strange guy just hanging out by himself was still there, so we shouted at him and asked if he could take our photo. We told him we had just gotten engaged. "Ah! I thought that might be what was happening." he said. "Sure, actually I'm a wedding photographer!" Crazy! So of course he took this amazing picture with my Iphone. That was totally a blessing because there was seriously not one other person out there for miles.

So then we walked down and strolled through the garden. By this time the sun had set and all the rose bushes were covered in snow. Everything looked so peaceful and quiet. At the end of the garden we stopped and hugged and Michael said he wanted to say a prayer. So he prayed that God would bless us and watch over us. That was the point when I started crying. My emotions finally caught up to me. His prayer was so sweet.

After that prayer I just wanted to start skipping and running and jumping! We drove over to another nearby little park and we ran through the snow and threw snowballs at each other. I felt so happy!

I wanted to go back to the rose garden though so we did. I didn't want the moment to end. I wanted to reinact it. So we did. Seriously. Ha! I asked him to ask me again. So he did. It was awesome. It was like this moment that you wait for YEARS for and I just wanted to stay there and remember it and not let it pass by.

So finally we left because it was freezing. My fingers were completely frozen. We went over to a restaurant in the Plaza. It was perfect because they had an open table right in front of this huge fire place. So we sat there and warmed up and ordered two drinks. We finished our drinks and left and got another picture taken of us in the Plaza then we actually did go over to his sister's. It was nice because his parents and meghan and jake were waiting for us with glasses of champagne and we celebrated with a toast.

Jake had spent all day making a really amazing dinner that was delicious. So we just ate and laughed and then played pitch. It was a perfect evening. :)

I found out later that the reason Michael left that afternoon for a couple hours was because his original plan was to take me on a carriage ride through the Plaza, but because of the snow they had cancelled all the carriage rides. He didn't know KC very well so he was left scrambling to find a back up location. He and his dad drove all over the city until they finally found the rose garden and Michael knew that was the place.

That day started out pretty stressful and chaotic (for both of us I think) but ended up being romantic and perfect.  I still have that feeling sometimes when I look at my ring, like I am in a dream. It was a long wait but it was worth it.

 

Update on Widad

For the last three months, Brittney, Kenisha and I have been going to Widad's apartment every Monday night to read the Bible with her. Widad is a refugee from Iraq who came to the U.S. about two years ago. Sometimes Sanarya, another Iraqi refugee, comes too. It has been an awesome time. Over the last three weeks, God has been doing some amazing things in Widad's heart. Here's an update:

- Three weeks ago Millie (an American woman who is Widad's neighbor) prayed for Widad and after she was done praying Widad said her heart was pounding and that it felt like her heart opened.

- In the middle of the night, Widad heard a voice say to her in Arabic "Don't worry, Widad. I am with you."

- Widad went to church with Millie and during the service she closed her eyes and said she saw a vision of a dark blue sky with a giant cross in the middle. She was startled and opened her eyes and when she closed them again she saw the same thing. She started crying.

- At the Christmas market on Saturday, Widad noticed that my booth wasn't selling as much as hers and so she started buying some of my stuff (so funny!). She said, "I'm helping my neighbor!!" (This has been a theme we've been talking about during our Bible studies.)

- Yesterday on the phone we were talking about the Christmas market (she sold a bunch of her aprons and purses) and she said she was so thankful that she was able to do it and she said something to the effect of "because of you I see Jesus in the church." So sweet!

I am so excited for what God is doing in her heart. I am praying that Jesus will continue to reveal himself to her and that He will use her to reach many Muslim women living at Captiol Village! Please keep her in your prayers.

Words of encouragement

Yesterday I was blessed to finally have the opportunity to hang out with Kristen, one of the girls in my new missional community. Our group has been together for nearly two months, but I hadn't really had a chance to spend much time with her, so when she asked if I'd be interested in going for a walk Saturday morning, I was thrilled.

We walked five miles. Let me tell you, you can have some great conversations in five miles! I would say walking and talking to a trusted friend is worth 25 counseling sessions.

I told her about the weightiness I was feeling after our group time on Thursday, about my arguement with Michael, about my fears for the future. Kristen has been married for three years and I feel like she gave me some great advice.

1. Don't worry about the big picture. Just take the next step. This was from a sermon that was preached at my church a few weeks back, but it was a good reminder. I was worrying about my life a year, 5 years, 10 years down the road. I was worried over whether God was going to call Michael and I to the same mission, instead of just focusing on what the Lord was calling us to do right now. And for now, it seems that the Lord is calling us to the same mission. God has put a desire in both our hearts to do Bible studies with Iraqi refugees. I mean, what are the odds of that? None of us know what the future holds and it's too overwhelming to try to figure it out. Kristen said when she and Danny got married, neither of them had any inclination to do overseas missions. But they were just faithful in each next step.

2. Conflict is healthy. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a good track record of handling conflict well. In my mind conflict has a very negative connotation. Michael and I have been dating for over five months and overall we get along great. We've been in the sweet lovey phase. So, when we weren't exactly seeing eye to eye I jumped to the worst conclusions. Kristen reassured me that it is inevitable that two independent people with different backgrounds and different experiences are going to fight sometimes. She hates conflict too, but she has seen that whenever she and Danny fight about something, in the end it's good and brings them closer. The key is just to handle conflict in a good way and not a damaging way. It was a good reminder that even as Michael and I discuss marriage and our future, one of the most important things is that we can handle conflict well and come out on the other side stronger. Also, and this is for me especially, that I can admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3. We can learn from each other. God has given Michael and I the advantage of being in two separate ministries - I'm in a Goer MC and he's leading Grow Together. They're different types of ministries but they also have a lot of similarities. Obviously the goal of both of them is for people to know and love Christ. It's easy to get in the mindset that one particular way is best, when actually God uses all types of people, all types of gifts, all types of methods. The beauty of the gospel is that God doesn't actually NEED us at all. His power is made great in our weaknesses. We just have to be available and willing. I have to remember that my way isn't necessarily best. I can learn from him and he can learn from me. I think it's part of the blessing of relationship.

I was so greatful for the Scripture passages I read yesterday and today. Yesterday's reading was Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Today's reading was Psalm 103:1-5. "Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

I can't even express how much I needed those passages. Thank you, Lord, for your goodness and love and forgiveness and healing. The truth is that I don't know what the future holds and that freaks me out. The truth is that I am a sinner and I can't stop sinning as much as I try. My pride and my control issues and my stubborness continually get in the way. ALL I can do is trust the Good Shepherd, who will continually lead my way, who continually redeems my life from the pit.

Broken

The Lord ripped my heart open a little bit last night.

My missional community was gathered together, as we do every Thursday evening, and we were talking about the gospel of the Kingdom. How so many believers are not experiencing the rewards and benefits of the Kingdom available to us right here on Earth. We think that the Kingdom is only in the future, only in Heaven.

We were discussing Hebrews, how throughout it talks about those who walked and acted in faith, despite great difficulties and great suffering, because of the JOY set out before them.

"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. ²⁵ He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. ²⁶ He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward." Hebrews 11:24-26


One of the guys in the group, Steven, 24, who is planning to take the gospel to Thailand, spoke up and shared how he was struck that all these figures chose to enter into suffering during their lives. Then he shared something that he felt God had said to him recently. He prefaced it by saying, "sorry this is kind of morbid." He shared that he felt like God told him that he was going to die at a young age. Obviously, this was unnerving to him. He said he always asks God to confirm things to him three times. God did.

As he shared I felt my chest grow tight. "No, Lord." I thought. "Not Steven. I want to pray to protect him."

But I realized quickly that a prayer for safety wasn't the right prayer. We need to pray that Steven and the rest of us would continue along smack in the middle of God's will, for that is the safest place to be, even if it results in death at a young age.

After I went home, my mind raced with questions. Am I willing to give up my idea of a safe, comfortable life in order to follow Jesus? What if my faith isn't strong enough? What if I sell out and just take the easy road and miss my true calling? How do you know if God is calling you to move to Libya, or stay right here in the U.S? If I'm not suffering now, does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Why did I feel like I was missing something? Am I experiencing the Kingdom now?

Right about that time, my boyfriend called me. It wasn't the best timing. He asked me what we discussed in our group and I just started crying. I knew that God was doing something in my heart but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. A mixture of brokenness, fear, and awe at those who are able to choose suffering over comfort for the sake of Jesus.

Our conversation didn't go well. After I hung up, I felt even more confused and angry and hurt. I didn't sleep well. I had anxious dreams.

Today my heart is heavy. I feel like I could start crying at any minute. I feel like God is tearing something loose in my heart but I don't know what it is, or what it means. I feel anxious and broken, like when I came back from Haiti.

When I feel this way, I've at least learned that the ONLY thing to do is to press into Jesus. When I am overwhelmed, I know that I must rest in Him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

At times the difficulties of this world seem too much. But this isn't my home. This world is broken. I am broken. I can't do it on my own. I remember in Haiti when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, John from Heartline comforted me, and told me, "Brokenness is a great place to be because it reminds us that God is God and we are not." I am praying and trusting that He will show me the way.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3