The Lord ripped my heart open a little bit last night.
My missional community was gathered together, as we do every Thursday evening, and we were talking about the gospel of the Kingdom. How so many believers are not experiencing the rewards and benefits of the Kingdom available to us right here on Earth. We think that the Kingdom is only in the future, only in Heaven.
We were discussing Hebrews, how throughout it talks about those who walked and acted in faith, despite great difficulties and great suffering, because of the JOY set out before them.
"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward." Hebrews 11:24-26
One of the guys in the group, Steven, 24, who is planning to take the gospel to Thailand, spoke up and shared how he was struck that all these figures chose to enter into suffering during their lives. Then he shared something that he felt God had said to him recently. He prefaced it by saying, "sorry this is kind of morbid." He shared that he felt like God told him that he was going to die at a young age. Obviously, this was unnerving to him. He said he always asks God to confirm things to him three times. God did.
As he shared I felt my chest grow tight. "No, Lord." I thought. "Not Steven. I want to pray to protect him."
But I realized quickly that a prayer for safety wasn't the right prayer. We need to pray that Steven and the rest of us would continue along smack in the middle of God's will, for that is the safest place to be, even if it results in death at a young age.
After I went home, my mind raced with questions. Am I willing to give up my idea of a safe, comfortable life in order to follow Jesus? What if my faith isn't strong enough? What if I sell out and just take the easy road and miss my true calling? How do you know if God is calling you to move to Libya, or stay right here in the U.S? If I'm not suffering now, does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Why did I feel like I was missing something? Am I experiencing the Kingdom now?
Right about that time, my boyfriend called me. It wasn't the best timing. He asked me what we discussed in our group and I just started crying. I knew that God was doing something in my heart but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. A mixture of brokenness, fear, and awe at those who are able to choose suffering over comfort for the sake of Jesus.
Our conversation didn't go well. After I hung up, I felt even more confused and angry and hurt. I didn't sleep well. I had anxious dreams.
Today my heart is heavy. I feel like I could start crying at any minute. I feel like God is tearing something loose in my heart but I don't know what it is, or what it means. I feel anxious and broken, like when I came back from Haiti.
When I feel this way, I've at least learned that the ONLY thing to do is to press into Jesus. When I am overwhelmed, I know that I must rest in Him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.
At times the difficulties of this world seem too much. But this isn't my home. This world is broken. I am broken. I can't do it on my own. I remember in Haiti when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, John from Heartline comforted me, and told me, "Brokenness is a great place to be because it reminds us that God is God and we are not." I am praying and trusting that He will show me the way.
"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
My missional community was gathered together, as we do every Thursday evening, and we were talking about the gospel of the Kingdom. How so many believers are not experiencing the rewards and benefits of the Kingdom available to us right here on Earth. We think that the Kingdom is only in the future, only in Heaven.
We were discussing Hebrews, how throughout it talks about those who walked and acted in faith, despite great difficulties and great suffering, because of the JOY set out before them.
"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward." Hebrews 11:24-26
One of the guys in the group, Steven, 24, who is planning to take the gospel to Thailand, spoke up and shared how he was struck that all these figures chose to enter into suffering during their lives. Then he shared something that he felt God had said to him recently. He prefaced it by saying, "sorry this is kind of morbid." He shared that he felt like God told him that he was going to die at a young age. Obviously, this was unnerving to him. He said he always asks God to confirm things to him three times. God did.
As he shared I felt my chest grow tight. "No, Lord." I thought. "Not Steven. I want to pray to protect him."
But I realized quickly that a prayer for safety wasn't the right prayer. We need to pray that Steven and the rest of us would continue along smack in the middle of God's will, for that is the safest place to be, even if it results in death at a young age.
After I went home, my mind raced with questions. Am I willing to give up my idea of a safe, comfortable life in order to follow Jesus? What if my faith isn't strong enough? What if I sell out and just take the easy road and miss my true calling? How do you know if God is calling you to move to Libya, or stay right here in the U.S? If I'm not suffering now, does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Why did I feel like I was missing something? Am I experiencing the Kingdom now?
Right about that time, my boyfriend called me. It wasn't the best timing. He asked me what we discussed in our group and I just started crying. I knew that God was doing something in my heart but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. A mixture of brokenness, fear, and awe at those who are able to choose suffering over comfort for the sake of Jesus.
Our conversation didn't go well. After I hung up, I felt even more confused and angry and hurt. I didn't sleep well. I had anxious dreams.
Today my heart is heavy. I feel like I could start crying at any minute. I feel like God is tearing something loose in my heart but I don't know what it is, or what it means. I feel anxious and broken, like when I came back from Haiti.
When I feel this way, I've at least learned that the ONLY thing to do is to press into Jesus. When I am overwhelmed, I know that I must rest in Him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.
At times the difficulties of this world seem too much. But this isn't my home. This world is broken. I am broken. I can't do it on my own. I remember in Haiti when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, John from Heartline comforted me, and told me, "Brokenness is a great place to be because it reminds us that God is God and we are not." I am praying and trusting that He will show me the way.
"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3
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