Reflections from a 23rd birthday

Well I've had 45 page views for my blog so that's pretty exciting. Honestly I can only think of 6 or 7 people who might be remotely interested in anything I have to say so I'm pretty happy with those numbers. I even have two followers and neither of them is my mom!

On second thought, why isn't my mom following me? 

It's been a pretty good week. Brit and I celebrated our roommate Court's birthday on Wednesday- she turned 23. Sheesh. It's an interesting thing to live with someone 10 years younger than you. I keep comparing everything she does to the 23-yr-old me in my head. 

I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Shenzhen, China. I had been there for six months as part of a teaching English program. My birthday party was really fun. A bunch of people in our group went to a "Mexican" restaurant owned by a Chinese woman who had lived in England for awhile. She had never actually had authentic Mexican food. Needless to say, the food was awful. But we had fun. I think we ended up at some weird Chinese dance club.  All I remember is there was a lot of tequilla.

In some ways that year doesn't even feel that long ago but in other ways it almost feels like it was another lifetime, and I was another person. I was so stupid and careless. It is definitely by the grace of God that I didn't end up dead or in some remote Chinese prison.

I was thinking this week about how I have a tendancy to compartmentalize my life into different chapters, sort of like 'old' me vs. 'new' me. It makes me uncomfortable when the two worlds overlap. It doesn't happen that often; for the most part I can keep everything nice and separate. Most of the people I spend my time with these days have known me for less than a year. It wasn't a deliberate thing- a lot of my older friends have moved away or had babies or we've just drifted apart. I became desperate for more community with other believers and so I got more involved in church and started a community group.

God has blessed me with some amazing new friends over the last year.  It's just kind of weird because they only know a certain part of me. The part of me that loves Jesus and leads a Bible study and wants to go on mission trips. They didn't know the part of me that struggled for years to trust God, to believe that He wanted the best for me. They didn't know the me that was stubborn, hot tempered, emotional; the me that went out drinking three nights a week (if not more); the me that wanted to do what I want, whenever I wanted.

I feel like the people I relate to the best are the ones who've had a rebellious path; who tried to make it on their own before stumbling miserably; who sinned BIG. It's harder for me to relate to the ones who have grown up loving Jesus and have always loved Jesus and have for the most part just led a "good" life. It's not that I don't admire them and their faith. It's just harder for me to relate because my path was so different.

A huge turning point for me in my faith was when I realized that being a follower of Jesus isn't about being a "good" person. It was realizing how much I had rebelled against God, how much I had tried to run from Him, but realizing that He never left me.  He still loved me. And He really did want the best for me. And that in my dumb rebelliousness I was squandering away my life.

I sometimes feel afraid to tell my new friends about the old me because I think they will judge me. I feel afraid to tell my old friends about the 'new' me, because I think they will think I'm some self-righteous religious weirdo. It's so dumb and I think it's satan's way of keeping me completely ineffective wherever I am.

I know that the past is the past and I shouldn't dwell on it and I've been forgiven. But I think that God allowed me to go through some stuff because it gives me an opportunity to relate to others going through the same thing. And by not being open about it, I'm not giving Him a chance to use me to help others.


I think God is showing me that I have to stop hiding from my past because it's not authentic, it's not true and I'm robbing the power from the gospel. I have to be honest about where I came from so that God can get the credit for where He's brought me. Not that I've arrived or anything, or have everything all figured out.


But there are people all around me who are struggling to trust God. They are running from Him and trying to go their own way. They need to know that He still loves them and wants the best for them. They need to know He's still there, even when they sin big.

Good advice

Here is some good advice I received from Lori at Real Hope for Haiti back in November. I had just gotten back from Haiti and really wanted to go back.

So many people that come to help in Haiti do it because they are moved by emotion.  You must be called and equipped by God and God alone.  Nothing in yourself (strength, love, patience) will get you through being a missionary here.  It has to be God.  You have to know that you know that you know that God is telling you to do this.  In the past 2 weeks, we know of 7 white people that have been robbed.  Two places shot multiple white people.  Though no one died, it is a possibility.  You have to settle all of these issues in your heart.  I hope that the training program that you are involved in will help you evaluate your emotions, motivation, and calling.  I don't want to discourage you.  I just want you to count the cost.

It's been five months since I got back from Haiti. Had there been an opportunity, I'm pretty sure I would've jumped back on a plane to Haiti in January. Actually, I offered to. But the two opportunities I applied for didn't work out. Another door that God seemed to close.

Lori told me that if I was interested, I could come for two weeks this summer. A two week visit is required for anyone who wants to volunteer long-term. It can be a confusing thing: emotion vs calling. Would I go back to Cazale? Of course. But then I also think about how many volunteers and misionaries and relief workers are already in Haiti, and I think, "Wouldn't it be better to go somewhere where there isn't any help?"

In the meantime, a door that God HAS opened for me is the opportunity to go to India this summer with one of the girls from my missional community and a group from the Stone. I have wanted to go to India for years so I am really excited.

Maybe the best thing to do is just keep walking toward doors and wait and see which one God keeps open?

The anxiousness of waiting

My last semester of college, as graduation approached, I started experiencing extreme anxiety that kept me awake at night. I had no idea what to do after May. Up until that point, I always knew what the next step in my life would be, because it basically involved some form of school. Some might say the next step was to get married, go to grad school or get a job. The problem was that my boyfriend and I had just broken up, I was totally burned out on school and the idea of getting a desk job terrified me. I was lost, UNTIL I expressed my lost-ness to a friend and he said, “why don’t you go teach English in China for a year?” Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that!? I signed up and 6 months later was sitting on a plane to Beijing. And it turned out to be one of the greatest adventures of my life.

Flash forward 10 years. I’m 33. One might think I should have my life completely figured out by the age of 33; the problem is I don’t. I battle against anxiousness. I feel like I’m waiting for something but I don’t know what. Lately I've found myself starting to experience those same pangs of anxiety that plagued me before graduation.

Waiting for something is hard but I would venture to say that waiting and not even knowing WHAT you are waiting for is harder.

The difference between 23 year old me and 33 year old me can be pretty well summed up in one word: faith. I’m at a point now where I DO believe that God is with me and guiding me and has a plan for my future. 23 year old me? Not so much. In some ways this is comforting. In other ways? It’s harder. I can’t just run out with my ever expanding ways-to-conquer-the-world list and jump on the next plane across the ocean unless I feel like HE is calling me to do that.

(I did actually attempt to do that recently and felt the Spirit of God tell me overwhelmingly to STAY. OK God, got it!)

Maybe this is weird, but I think I suffer from missionary envy. I read about people like Katie Davis who moved to Uganda and adopted 13 orphan girls, or the people at Heartline in Haiti who run a maternity center for expectant Haitian women, or my friend Miranda who is teaching kids in the Domincan Republic, and I feel JEALOUS of them! Now THAT is excitement! Why can’t God give me a cool mission like that??

I could go serve somewhere overseas, but where? I could start a non-profit, but what kind? There are a lot of homeless people in Austin. I could start a homeless shelter. Maybe I should help the refugees. I started to feel suffocated by the overwhelming number of possibilities to serve.

I felt like God was telling me to think bigger. But what is bigger? I found myself asking, “OK God, I am staying, but what do you want me to DO?”

The answer was more terrifying than I ever could have imagined.

Nothing. Wait. REST in me. Spend time with me.

Eeeek! How can I do nothing? You need me! Oh. Wait. Scratch that.

I started to realize how much I have a tendency to cram every minute of my schedule with busyness. Granted, a lot of times it is “good” things like volunteering or taking classes at my church or going to dinner with friends. The problem is that it leaves very little time for resting in God, for spending time in His word, for praying, for listening, for TRUSTING.

I started to realize that maybe part of my motivation for wanting to start a homeless shelter or a non-profit or even adopt 13 Ugandan girls is because it would make me feel like I had accomplished something with my life. For years to come, people would remember me and say I had done good things. Maybe I feel like I can get things accomplished a little bit better and more efficiently than anyone else, including God (ouch). Maybe my to-do list keeps expanding because I don’t trust God enough to wait for Him to tell me what to do.

I started to realize that nothing I can DO- adopt a hundred orphans, build a dozen homeless shelters, travel around the world- you name it, will EVER bring contentment to my soul if I am doing it out of my own ambition and desire to make a name for myself. Because there will always be a more glamorous cause. There will always be more people in need than I can help. Maybe I should start a support group called “I’m here to help! Humanitarian junkies and their enormous egos.”

Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely love serving and volunteering and helping those in need. God calls us to do it. But He doesn’t Need me. He also wants me to remember that He is God, and I am not. There is a fine line between helping people with a genuine desire to make HIS name great, and a desire to make MY name great.

So what do I do? I remember that He is God, and I am not. I will rest and spend time in His word, and pray and listen. I will prioritize time in my schedule for HIM. And I will wait, resist the urge to DO and trust that He has a plan bigger than mine.

God has given me a season of very little distractions in my life so that I can focus all my energy and attention on getting to know Him and falling in love with Him in a way I never have before. It is a gift. I don’t know what the next chapter in my life is, but that’s OK. I know who is writing the story. I’m still praying that he will throw in a few adventures.

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.” - Psalm 46:10