Well I've had 45 page views for my blog so that's pretty exciting. Honestly I can only think of 6 or 7 people who might be remotely interested in anything I have to say so I'm pretty happy with those numbers. I even have two followers and neither of them is my mom!
On second thought, why isn't my mom following me?
It's been a pretty good week. Brit and I celebrated our roommate Court's birthday on Wednesday- she turned 23. Sheesh. It's an interesting thing to live with someone 10 years younger than you. I keep comparing everything she does to the 23-yr-old me in my head.
I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Shenzhen, China. I had been there for six months as part of a teaching English program. My birthday party was really fun. A bunch of people in our group went to a "Mexican" restaurant owned by a Chinese woman who had lived in England for awhile. She had never actually had authentic Mexican food. Needless to say, the food was awful. But we had fun. I think we ended up at some weird Chinese dance club. All I remember is there was a lot of tequilla.
In some ways that year doesn't even feel that long ago but in other ways it almost feels like it was another lifetime, and I was another person. I was so stupid and careless. It is definitely by the grace of God that I didn't end up dead or in some remote Chinese prison.
I was thinking this week about how I have a tendancy to compartmentalize my life into different chapters, sort of like 'old' me vs. 'new' me. It makes me uncomfortable when the two worlds overlap. It doesn't happen that often; for the most part I can keep everything nice and separate. Most of the people I spend my time with these days have known me for less than a year. It wasn't a deliberate thing- a lot of my older friends have moved away or had babies or we've just drifted apart. I became desperate for more community with other believers and so I got more involved in church and started a community group.
God has blessed me with some amazing new friends over the last year. It's just kind of weird because they only know a certain part of me. The part of me that loves Jesus and leads a Bible study and wants to go on mission trips. They didn't know the part of me that struggled for years to trust God, to believe that He wanted the best for me. They didn't know the me that was stubborn, hot tempered, emotional; the me that went out drinking three nights a week (if not more); the me that wanted to do what I want, whenever I wanted.
I feel like the people I relate to the best are the ones who've had a rebellious path; who tried to make it on their own before stumbling miserably; who sinned BIG. It's harder for me to relate to the ones who have grown up loving Jesus and have always loved Jesus and have for the most part just led a "good" life. It's not that I don't admire them and their faith. It's just harder for me to relate because my path was so different.
A huge turning point for me in my faith was when I realized that being a follower of Jesus isn't about being a "good" person. It was realizing how much I had rebelled against God, how much I had tried to run from Him, but realizing that He never left me. He still loved me. And He really did want the best for me. And that in my dumb rebelliousness I was squandering away my life.
I sometimes feel afraid to tell my new friends about the old me because I think they will judge me. I feel afraid to tell my old friends about the 'new' me, because I think they will think I'm some self-righteous religious weirdo. It's so dumb and I think it's satan's way of keeping me completely ineffective wherever I am.
I know that the past is the past and I shouldn't dwell on it and I've been forgiven. But I think that God allowed me to go through some stuff because it gives me an opportunity to relate to others going through the same thing. And by not being open about it, I'm not giving Him a chance to use me to help others.
I think God is showing me that I have to stop hiding from my past because it's not authentic, it's not true and I'm robbing the power from the gospel. I have to be honest about where I came from so that God can get the credit for where He's brought me. Not that I've arrived or anything, or have everything all figured out.
But there are people all around me who are struggling to trust God. They are running from Him and trying to go their own way. They need to know that He still loves them and wants the best for them. They need to know He's still there, even when they sin big.
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