Words of encouragement

Yesterday I was blessed to finally have the opportunity to hang out with Kristen, one of the girls in my new missional community. Our group has been together for nearly two months, but I hadn't really had a chance to spend much time with her, so when she asked if I'd be interested in going for a walk Saturday morning, I was thrilled.

We walked five miles. Let me tell you, you can have some great conversations in five miles! I would say walking and talking to a trusted friend is worth 25 counseling sessions.

I told her about the weightiness I was feeling after our group time on Thursday, about my arguement with Michael, about my fears for the future. Kristen has been married for three years and I feel like she gave me some great advice.

1. Don't worry about the big picture. Just take the next step. This was from a sermon that was preached at my church a few weeks back, but it was a good reminder. I was worrying about my life a year, 5 years, 10 years down the road. I was worried over whether God was going to call Michael and I to the same mission, instead of just focusing on what the Lord was calling us to do right now. And for now, it seems that the Lord is calling us to the same mission. God has put a desire in both our hearts to do Bible studies with Iraqi refugees. I mean, what are the odds of that? None of us know what the future holds and it's too overwhelming to try to figure it out. Kristen said when she and Danny got married, neither of them had any inclination to do overseas missions. But they were just faithful in each next step.

2. Conflict is healthy. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a good track record of handling conflict well. In my mind conflict has a very negative connotation. Michael and I have been dating for over five months and overall we get along great. We've been in the sweet lovey phase. So, when we weren't exactly seeing eye to eye I jumped to the worst conclusions. Kristen reassured me that it is inevitable that two independent people with different backgrounds and different experiences are going to fight sometimes. She hates conflict too, but she has seen that whenever she and Danny fight about something, in the end it's good and brings them closer. The key is just to handle conflict in a good way and not a damaging way. It was a good reminder that even as Michael and I discuss marriage and our future, one of the most important things is that we can handle conflict well and come out on the other side stronger. Also, and this is for me especially, that I can admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3. We can learn from each other. God has given Michael and I the advantage of being in two separate ministries - I'm in a Goer MC and he's leading Grow Together. They're different types of ministries but they also have a lot of similarities. Obviously the goal of both of them is for people to know and love Christ. It's easy to get in the mindset that one particular way is best, when actually God uses all types of people, all types of gifts, all types of methods. The beauty of the gospel is that God doesn't actually NEED us at all. His power is made great in our weaknesses. We just have to be available and willing. I have to remember that my way isn't necessarily best. I can learn from him and he can learn from me. I think it's part of the blessing of relationship.

I was so greatful for the Scripture passages I read yesterday and today. Yesterday's reading was Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Today's reading was Psalm 103:1-5. "Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

I can't even express how much I needed those passages. Thank you, Lord, for your goodness and love and forgiveness and healing. The truth is that I don't know what the future holds and that freaks me out. The truth is that I am a sinner and I can't stop sinning as much as I try. My pride and my control issues and my stubborness continually get in the way. ALL I can do is trust the Good Shepherd, who will continually lead my way, who continually redeems my life from the pit.

Broken

The Lord ripped my heart open a little bit last night.

My missional community was gathered together, as we do every Thursday evening, and we were talking about the gospel of the Kingdom. How so many believers are not experiencing the rewards and benefits of the Kingdom available to us right here on Earth. We think that the Kingdom is only in the future, only in Heaven.

We were discussing Hebrews, how throughout it talks about those who walked and acted in faith, despite great difficulties and great suffering, because of the JOY set out before them.

"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. ²⁵ He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. ²⁶ He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward." Hebrews 11:24-26


One of the guys in the group, Steven, 24, who is planning to take the gospel to Thailand, spoke up and shared how he was struck that all these figures chose to enter into suffering during their lives. Then he shared something that he felt God had said to him recently. He prefaced it by saying, "sorry this is kind of morbid." He shared that he felt like God told him that he was going to die at a young age. Obviously, this was unnerving to him. He said he always asks God to confirm things to him three times. God did.

As he shared I felt my chest grow tight. "No, Lord." I thought. "Not Steven. I want to pray to protect him."

But I realized quickly that a prayer for safety wasn't the right prayer. We need to pray that Steven and the rest of us would continue along smack in the middle of God's will, for that is the safest place to be, even if it results in death at a young age.

After I went home, my mind raced with questions. Am I willing to give up my idea of a safe, comfortable life in order to follow Jesus? What if my faith isn't strong enough? What if I sell out and just take the easy road and miss my true calling? How do you know if God is calling you to move to Libya, or stay right here in the U.S? If I'm not suffering now, does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Why did I feel like I was missing something? Am I experiencing the Kingdom now?

Right about that time, my boyfriend called me. It wasn't the best timing. He asked me what we discussed in our group and I just started crying. I knew that God was doing something in my heart but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. A mixture of brokenness, fear, and awe at those who are able to choose suffering over comfort for the sake of Jesus.

Our conversation didn't go well. After I hung up, I felt even more confused and angry and hurt. I didn't sleep well. I had anxious dreams.

Today my heart is heavy. I feel like I could start crying at any minute. I feel like God is tearing something loose in my heart but I don't know what it is, or what it means. I feel anxious and broken, like when I came back from Haiti.

When I feel this way, I've at least learned that the ONLY thing to do is to press into Jesus. When I am overwhelmed, I know that I must rest in Him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

At times the difficulties of this world seem too much. But this isn't my home. This world is broken. I am broken. I can't do it on my own. I remember in Haiti when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, John from Heartline comforted me, and told me, "Brokenness is a great place to be because it reminds us that God is God and we are not." I am praying and trusting that He will show me the way.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Treasure

On Friday night Michael and I rode our bikes downtown to Zilker Park to see if we could hear The Black Keys outside the fence. (You may call us cheap but I call us smart.) We found a nice little spot under a giant oak tree and in between the sounds of the street preacher on our right and the dubstep bass coming from the stage to our left, we could actually make out the Black Keys fairly well.

The number of people just LEAVING the park was overwhelming. Michael said it reminded him of blood pumping through an artery. I'm not sure why you'd pay so much for a ticket and not stay for the headliner, who knows. Everytime I find myself in a massive crowd of people, especially downtown, I'm reminded just how obnoxious and annoying people can be. Maybe it's that being in a massive crowd makes people feel invisible or inconsequential which leads them to believe they can act like tremendous morons and it doesn't matter.

Laying on our little blanket watching people stagger and slur, I became aware of how different my life has become. I got a sense of what it means to be in the world but not of the world. The truth is that most people can't relate to my life, that I would move to an apartment complex across town in order to live in a community of people that I hadn't met and who I had little in common with except a passion to tell people the gospel. That I would wake up at 5:30 a.m. to pray for the lost, that I would spend an evening each week reading the Bible with Muslim refugees because I want them to love Jesus, that I would move to another country, where there are no churches, hardly any other believers, where I would be an outsider and an alien, simply because I want to tell people about Jesus.

I'm not trying to say that I'm this amazing super Christian. I'm fairly lazy and I love my alone time and I hate waking up early. But the more I learn about Jesus, the more I change; the more I love him, the less I love the world; the more I know him, the more I want to follow him. I would follow him anywhere. This morning I was reading in Hebrews about faith. Without faith, it's impossible to please God. Without faith, a lot of the things I do would be pointless. But I believe that this is not my home, that there is a Kingdom that is greater than anything we can see, and that it is to be treasured more than anything this world has to offer.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44