Update on Widad

For the last three months, Brittney, Kenisha and I have been going to Widad's apartment every Monday night to read the Bible with her. Widad is a refugee from Iraq who came to the U.S. about two years ago. Sometimes Sanarya, another Iraqi refugee, comes too. It has been an awesome time. Over the last three weeks, God has been doing some amazing things in Widad's heart. Here's an update:

- Three weeks ago Millie (an American woman who is Widad's neighbor) prayed for Widad and after she was done praying Widad said her heart was pounding and that it felt like her heart opened.

- In the middle of the night, Widad heard a voice say to her in Arabic "Don't worry, Widad. I am with you."

- Widad went to church with Millie and during the service she closed her eyes and said she saw a vision of a dark blue sky with a giant cross in the middle. She was startled and opened her eyes and when she closed them again she saw the same thing. She started crying.

- At the Christmas market on Saturday, Widad noticed that my booth wasn't selling as much as hers and so she started buying some of my stuff (so funny!). She said, "I'm helping my neighbor!!" (This has been a theme we've been talking about during our Bible studies.)

- Yesterday on the phone we were talking about the Christmas market (she sold a bunch of her aprons and purses) and she said she was so thankful that she was able to do it and she said something to the effect of "because of you I see Jesus in the church." So sweet!

I am so excited for what God is doing in her heart. I am praying that Jesus will continue to reveal himself to her and that He will use her to reach many Muslim women living at Captiol Village! Please keep her in your prayers.

Words of encouragement

Yesterday I was blessed to finally have the opportunity to hang out with Kristen, one of the girls in my new missional community. Our group has been together for nearly two months, but I hadn't really had a chance to spend much time with her, so when she asked if I'd be interested in going for a walk Saturday morning, I was thrilled.

We walked five miles. Let me tell you, you can have some great conversations in five miles! I would say walking and talking to a trusted friend is worth 25 counseling sessions.

I told her about the weightiness I was feeling after our group time on Thursday, about my arguement with Michael, about my fears for the future. Kristen has been married for three years and I feel like she gave me some great advice.

1. Don't worry about the big picture. Just take the next step. This was from a sermon that was preached at my church a few weeks back, but it was a good reminder. I was worrying about my life a year, 5 years, 10 years down the road. I was worried over whether God was going to call Michael and I to the same mission, instead of just focusing on what the Lord was calling us to do right now. And for now, it seems that the Lord is calling us to the same mission. God has put a desire in both our hearts to do Bible studies with Iraqi refugees. I mean, what are the odds of that? None of us know what the future holds and it's too overwhelming to try to figure it out. Kristen said when she and Danny got married, neither of them had any inclination to do overseas missions. But they were just faithful in each next step.

2. Conflict is healthy. I will be the first to admit that I do not have a good track record of handling conflict well. In my mind conflict has a very negative connotation. Michael and I have been dating for over five months and overall we get along great. We've been in the sweet lovey phase. So, when we weren't exactly seeing eye to eye I jumped to the worst conclusions. Kristen reassured me that it is inevitable that two independent people with different backgrounds and different experiences are going to fight sometimes. She hates conflict too, but she has seen that whenever she and Danny fight about something, in the end it's good and brings them closer. The key is just to handle conflict in a good way and not a damaging way. It was a good reminder that even as Michael and I discuss marriage and our future, one of the most important things is that we can handle conflict well and come out on the other side stronger. Also, and this is for me especially, that I can admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3. We can learn from each other. God has given Michael and I the advantage of being in two separate ministries - I'm in a Goer MC and he's leading Grow Together. They're different types of ministries but they also have a lot of similarities. Obviously the goal of both of them is for people to know and love Christ. It's easy to get in the mindset that one particular way is best, when actually God uses all types of people, all types of gifts, all types of methods. The beauty of the gospel is that God doesn't actually NEED us at all. His power is made great in our weaknesses. We just have to be available and willing. I have to remember that my way isn't necessarily best. I can learn from him and he can learn from me. I think it's part of the blessing of relationship.

I was so greatful for the Scripture passages I read yesterday and today. Yesterday's reading was Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows."

Today's reading was Psalm 103:1-5. "Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

I can't even express how much I needed those passages. Thank you, Lord, for your goodness and love and forgiveness and healing. The truth is that I don't know what the future holds and that freaks me out. The truth is that I am a sinner and I can't stop sinning as much as I try. My pride and my control issues and my stubborness continually get in the way. ALL I can do is trust the Good Shepherd, who will continually lead my way, who continually redeems my life from the pit.

Broken

The Lord ripped my heart open a little bit last night.

My missional community was gathered together, as we do every Thursday evening, and we were talking about the gospel of the Kingdom. How so many believers are not experiencing the rewards and benefits of the Kingdom available to us right here on Earth. We think that the Kingdom is only in the future, only in Heaven.

We were discussing Hebrews, how throughout it talks about those who walked and acted in faith, despite great difficulties and great suffering, because of the JOY set out before them.

"By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. ²⁵ He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. ²⁶ He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward." Hebrews 11:24-26


One of the guys in the group, Steven, 24, who is planning to take the gospel to Thailand, spoke up and shared how he was struck that all these figures chose to enter into suffering during their lives. Then he shared something that he felt God had said to him recently. He prefaced it by saying, "sorry this is kind of morbid." He shared that he felt like God told him that he was going to die at a young age. Obviously, this was unnerving to him. He said he always asks God to confirm things to him three times. God did.

As he shared I felt my chest grow tight. "No, Lord." I thought. "Not Steven. I want to pray to protect him."

But I realized quickly that a prayer for safety wasn't the right prayer. We need to pray that Steven and the rest of us would continue along smack in the middle of God's will, for that is the safest place to be, even if it results in death at a young age.

After I went home, my mind raced with questions. Am I willing to give up my idea of a safe, comfortable life in order to follow Jesus? What if my faith isn't strong enough? What if I sell out and just take the easy road and miss my true calling? How do you know if God is calling you to move to Libya, or stay right here in the U.S? If I'm not suffering now, does that mean I'm doing something wrong? Why did I feel like I was missing something? Am I experiencing the Kingdom now?

Right about that time, my boyfriend called me. It wasn't the best timing. He asked me what we discussed in our group and I just started crying. I knew that God was doing something in my heart but I didn't know what. I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling. A mixture of brokenness, fear, and awe at those who are able to choose suffering over comfort for the sake of Jesus.

Our conversation didn't go well. After I hung up, I felt even more confused and angry and hurt. I didn't sleep well. I had anxious dreams.

Today my heart is heavy. I feel like I could start crying at any minute. I feel like God is tearing something loose in my heart but I don't know what it is, or what it means. I feel anxious and broken, like when I came back from Haiti.

When I feel this way, I've at least learned that the ONLY thing to do is to press into Jesus. When I am overwhelmed, I know that I must rest in Him, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

At times the difficulties of this world seem too much. But this isn't my home. This world is broken. I am broken. I can't do it on my own. I remember in Haiti when I was feeling completely overwhelmed and broken, John from Heartline comforted me, and told me, "Brokenness is a great place to be because it reminds us that God is God and we are not." I am praying and trusting that He will show me the way.

"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Treasure

On Friday night Michael and I rode our bikes downtown to Zilker Park to see if we could hear The Black Keys outside the fence. (You may call us cheap but I call us smart.) We found a nice little spot under a giant oak tree and in between the sounds of the street preacher on our right and the dubstep bass coming from the stage to our left, we could actually make out the Black Keys fairly well.

The number of people just LEAVING the park was overwhelming. Michael said it reminded him of blood pumping through an artery. I'm not sure why you'd pay so much for a ticket and not stay for the headliner, who knows. Everytime I find myself in a massive crowd of people, especially downtown, I'm reminded just how obnoxious and annoying people can be. Maybe it's that being in a massive crowd makes people feel invisible or inconsequential which leads them to believe they can act like tremendous morons and it doesn't matter.

Laying on our little blanket watching people stagger and slur, I became aware of how different my life has become. I got a sense of what it means to be in the world but not of the world. The truth is that most people can't relate to my life, that I would move to an apartment complex across town in order to live in a community of people that I hadn't met and who I had little in common with except a passion to tell people the gospel. That I would wake up at 5:30 a.m. to pray for the lost, that I would spend an evening each week reading the Bible with Muslim refugees because I want them to love Jesus, that I would move to another country, where there are no churches, hardly any other believers, where I would be an outsider and an alien, simply because I want to tell people about Jesus.

I'm not trying to say that I'm this amazing super Christian. I'm fairly lazy and I love my alone time and I hate waking up early. But the more I learn about Jesus, the more I change; the more I love him, the less I love the world; the more I know him, the more I want to follow him. I would follow him anywhere. This morning I was reading in Hebrews about faith. Without faith, it's impossible to please God. Without faith, a lot of the things I do would be pointless. But I believe that this is not my home, that there is a Kingdom that is greater than anything we can see, and that it is to be treasured more than anything this world has to offer.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." Matthew 13:44

Discovery Bible Study

I did a new thing this week and it was awesome! I studied the Bible with two Muslim women from Iraq!

Brittney, Kenisha and I did a "Discovery Bible Study" with our friends Widad and Sinarya, both Iraqi refugees. Widad is a widow and is around 50 years old, and Sinarya is single and came here alone. She's only 25. I've known Widad for about five months and Sinarya just moved here a couple months ago. They are both sweet, funny and outgoing.

I'm not exactly sure what Widad believes about Jesus but I know that her father was Christian and she grew up going to a Christian church in Iraq. She read the Bible regularly with another woman last year. She also reads the Qur'an. When I asked her if she follows Jesus, she said "Yes, Jesus is very nice. When I was in the hospital, I prayed to Jesus." (She's had a couple recent hospital visits recently due to her heart.) Part of the problem is simply the language barrier. Her English is good but not great.

Neither she nor Sanarya cover their heads. They are both Sunni and from the same region of Iraq. I really don't know too much about Sanarya except that she worked for the U.S. Army in Iraq.

We asked each of them last week if they would like to study the Bible with us and they both said yes. So on Monday the five of us packed a picnic and went to Mueller Park. We sat by the pond and watched the sun set and enjoyed the cooler temperature. We started with the first chapter of Genesis, Gen. 1-25. The story of creation.

Brittney found this awesome website where you can print the English version and the Arabic version of the passage side by side. So we brought copies of that.

Sanarya read the passage out loud in Arabic. It was so sweet because after almost every verse, Widad would say "That's the truth!" or "Yes, that is right!" I felt like I was sitting next to a Baptist preacher. After she was done reading, she said 'It's just like the Qur'an!"

So in Discovery Bible Study, the goal is let the Bible be the teacher. So after reading the passage, we asked three simple questions. 1) What does this passage tell us about God? 2) What does this passage tell us about man? and 3) If this passage is true, how would it change the way you live your life this week? It was so simple but we had a great discussion. We also each said one person that we could tell the story to this week.

Afterward, we asked if they would like to do it again next Monday and they both said yes! So we will continue with the rest of Genesis Chapter 1. I'm really excited!

Widad, Sanarya and Brittney

 

Following Jesus

When did you first start following Jesus?

I grew up going to church. I was baptized when I was 12 years old. But that's not when I started following Jesus.

I started following Him when I was 31 years old. Two years ago.

I started following Him when I realized that He loved me, that my way was getting me nowhere, that I was empty and broken, that maybe, just maybe, His plan was actually for my good. So I stopped doing things my way. I decided to trust His way.

Does that mean I stopped sinning or became less broken when I started following Him? No. I'm still broken and as hard as I try I can't stop sinning. It means that in the midst of my sin and brokenness, I can rest in His strength and His grace. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He just wants me to follow and trust.

So when was I actually "saved"? When I was 12 years old and prayed a prayer and got baptized? Or when I was 31? Honestly, I don't know. But I think that being saved by God has little to do with a prayer you prayed decades ago and much more to do wtih dying to yourself and following Him on a DAILY basis. Mathew 24:14 says that only those who persevere to the end will be saved.

It is evidence of God's faithfulness that as many times as I turned my back on Him, He never left me. He pursued me when I had no interest in Him. It is by his grace that I am even able to love him.

If you find yourself not following Jesus, not fighting every day, not begging him to change every dark corner of your heart, then you can start today. It just starts with a single step, a single prayer. Follow Him. He is worth it.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Mathew 10:39

 

What being a missional community leader has taught me

For the last two years I've been a women's missional community leader through my church, Austin Stone Community Church. I've been reflecting on the last two years a lot lately because tomorrow evening will be my last night with the group. I'm passing the torch to Katie who is going to take over leadership, and I'm going to spend the next year as part of a new TOAG group, learning what it looks like to take the gospel to the nations.

It's an exciting time of knowing that the Lord is leading me in a new direction and that change and new leadership is healthy, but it's also hard, knowing that even though I plan to stay friends with each of the women, it won't be possible to stay AS connected when I'm involved in a different group.

The last two years have been such an amazing time of growth for me spiritually and my missional community (MC) has been a HUGE part of that. Meeting for a few hours each week doesn't seem like a lot, but when you add all that time up over two years, it's a lot. Leading an MC has challenged me and taught me some valuable lessons. I think the Lord has showed me the importance of these five qualities:

1. Authenticity
Our culture of self sufficiency and independence encourages us to hide our insecurities and put on a confident face and act like we have it all together. Instability makes people nervous. Even a lot of church cultures get nervous when people confess too much sin. A funny thing happens though when you are able to create a safe environment that values openness and honesty. You quickly find out that nobody has it all together. If they act like they do, they're hiding something. People aren't looking for someone who can recite pages of Bible verses to them and tell them everything is ok. They are looking for someone who is real. If I can let people into my struggles, they are much more likely to let me into theirs. That is when I have the opportunity to help them see their struggle in light of the Gospel. Being vulnerable about your sin is an opportunity to better understand God's grace. If you are the type of person (like I was) that could never show anyone what was really going on in your heart, you are missing out on a huge opportunity for healing and change.

2. Accountability
For several years, I attended church on Sunday but had absolutely no accountability for the rest of my week. I wanted to change certain things about my life but I kept falling back into sin.  Leading a missional community was the first time in my life that I honestly felt like I had real accountability. After all, I was the leader! I knew each week I would be seeing a group of girls and would have to be open and honest about my week. Eventually we took it one level deeper by forming accountability groups within the MC. This consistent accountability has been crucial in my life. Without it, I am confident that I would not be where I am right now in my walk with the Lord. There have been too many times over the past two years that I have been tempted to fall into old patterns, but I knew that on Thursday night I would have to confess what I'd done. Being a Christian in today's culture is HARD. If you think you can just wing it on your own, you're being deceived. This group has showed me the necessity of having people in my life who will speak truth to me, even if it's uncomfortable.

3. Commitment
Our culture today is commitment phobic. We can try almost anything we want, go anywhere we want, be anyone we want, etc. It's amazing how even with a missional community, it's hard to get people to commit! We are a self serving people and we want our needs met all the time, whether it's a church, job, relationship, etc. I feel like one of the things the Lord showed me the value of over the last two years is commitment. You can't really invest and make a difference anywhere unless you are willing to commit. Committing means you can't be a part of every new group or "mission" that comes along. The first year our MC met on Tuesdays and I can remember days when I got off work at 5 on Tuesday, went home and collapsed on my couch and the ONLY thing I wanted to do was veg out, watch TV and drink a glass of wine. But I couldn't. You can't just not go when you are the leader! Especially when the group is meeting at your house! But it was in those times of being obedient even when I didn't feel like it that God moved powerfully in my life. If you are faithful in small things, you will be faithful with much.

4. Grace
A not so surprising thing happens when you have a group made up of broken and fallen people - they act crappy and hurt each other. Not always, of course. But if you are really getting into people's lives on a consistent basis, it's pretty inevitable that at some point some of them are going to hurt you. Having real authentic community is hard because people are messed up, including me. We all have our pride and our need to control and our need to be right. Hopefully if we're being honest we can admit it, but sometimes we can't. There have been times in the last two years when I've really been hurt, to the point of asking, "What is the point of going to all this trouble if people are just going to act crappy and hurt me?" I had to look at my motivations and realize that I wasn't doing any of it so that people would like me or be nice to me. I was doing it to serve God, because of who He is and what He did for me when I didn't deserve it. Remembering His grace is what allows me to show grace to others, to be humble and forgive and not always need to be right.

5. Faith
I remember when I started the MC two years ago, I was fairly terrified. I didn't really know what I was doing and felt incredibly under-qualified. I didn't even know if anyone would actually show up. I just kept praying that God would use me and would show me what to do. The last two years have been a testiment to God's faithfulness to reveal His power through weak people. God has used my MC to do some amazing things in people's lives (including my own) and I can 100% testify that none of it was due to my ability or wisdom. And women just kept coming the entire time! The last year I haven't really "advertised" the group at all, yet a faithful group of women has continued to come. And now that I'm leaving a new woman has stepped up to lead and the group will continue on, which is such an awesome feeling. It reminds me of the saying, "God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called." If you feel like God is calling you to do something, just take a step of faith and know that He will carry you through it.

Tomorrow night my group is coming over for dinner to celebrate and look back over the past year and remember all that God has done in our lives. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be a part of this group and meet all the amazing women who have been a part of it. It has blessed me beyond words.

Back from India!

We made it back to Austin Thursday evening. It was a LONG journey and I was very glad to be home! Here's a quick overview; I'm still sort of processing everything and still trying to get caught up on my sleep!

Our team had a great time working at the Good Samaritan School in Delhi. It actually reminded me a lot of my teaching English days in China after college! The kids were so cute and so sweet. The students and teachers all made us feel so welcome. The founder of the school actually had lunch with us each day. We did a variety of stuff each day at each of the school's three campuses, including teaching Bible lessons and songs, doing crafts and even playing some soccer. Our carnival went really well too and the kids LOVED the water balloons. They had actually never seen a water balloon before! We were able to visit and pray with quite a few of the children's families who live in the slums. We were also able to visit the Taj Mahal one day which was AMAZING.

It was a pretty tough trip physically as I came down with a cold about 3 days after we arrived and battled it most of the trip. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep, our busy schedule and just all the new germs. Fortunately it didn't keep me from doing any of the activities; I just didn't do the home visits one of the afternoons. Our apartment was actually very nice and even had AC!

One of the highlights was the group of 8th grade boys that I got to know. They were pretty rowdy and mischievious but also really sweet. We acted out the story of the good samaritan, did another lesson on anxiety, and they insisted I play soccer with them one afternoon. One of them then came to the carnival and we had a fun time playing games.

It was also great to meet some of the teachers at the school who have such a heart for the Lord. We were able to take part in a couple of the teachers morning devotions- Maureen and I actually led one! It is hard for them not to get discouraged- even at a Christian school, 60% of the kids come from Muslim families and the rest are mostly Hindu. The number of actual believers there is so small.

I will post all my pics soon! Thanks again for all of your prayers, support and encouragement! It means so much.

 Anathi, the founder of the Good Samaritan School. It all started in 1979 when she began teaching a small group of slum children in her garage.

A class of 1st graders holding up their "creation" cutouts which we used to help tell the story of creation. They really liked it!  

My group of 8th graders. We acted out the story of the good samaritan. :)

Stories of God's grace

I had a great time with my community group last night. We had a picnic in Mayfield Preserve and just spent the evening sharing our stories. We all knew bits and pieces of each person's story but had never really just taken time to each share where we've come from and how God saved us and changed us.

I LOVE hearing people's testimonies. There is just something about hearing someone talk about their personal experience with God that no sermon or book can compete with.

I loved how different each of our stories were. Some came from broken homes and some came from perfect, happy families. Growing up, some were the "good" kids who found their value in how well they followed the rules, while others were the rebels, who found their value in the approval of the world. All of us were looking for love, for acceptance. 

Each of us is an example of God's grace, a beautiful story of how He uses the people and experiences in our lives to draw us to Himself, not because of anything we have done to deserve it. But because of Jesus and His great love for us.

I felt a little nervous before I shared my story, which showed me that I probably need to do it more. It's hard to look back at painful times when I was growing up, rebellious times when I questioned God and looked for love anywhere but in Him. But the older I get, the more I realize how He really did use every bad and ugly experience in my life to show me more how empty the world is, and how beautiful He is. It's the ultimate love story.

"I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Eph 3:17-19

My community: Dolly, Rachel M, Katie, Maureen, Rachel G and me

Ready for INDIA!!

It's finally here! Our team is leaving Saturday morning for India! I am SO EXCITED!!! We leave Austin at 10 a.m. In case you were curious about the time difference, New Delhi is 10:30 hours ahead of Austin. So when it is 6:00 am in Austin, it is 4:30 pm in New Delhi.

We are scheduled to arrive at 12:30 a.m. Monday morning in New Delhi and are planning to be at school Monday morning! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep on the plane!

Our team has put together a variety of crafts, games, songs, Bible lessons and devotionals to do with the kids, with the realization that we have no idea what to expect once we get there. We are just planning to be totally flexible and go with the flow. One of the days we are going to put on a carnival for about 100 kids so that should be really fun.

Thank you so much for supporting me financially to go on this trip! I have been totally blessed by how God has provided for me. I have raised over $2,500! (My goal was $2600 so that is awesome!)

While we are gone, I have a few prayer requests for me and my team.Your prayers are VERY appreciated!!

Journey
India is FAR. We will be flying from Austin-Houston-Frankfurt-New Delhi. That's about 17 1/2 hours of flying time with about 9 hours of layovers.  Please pray that I would be able to sleep on the plane and that I would sleep well once we arrive so that I will be alert and energetic when we are at the school!

Our Team
There are seven on our team, including Katie and Maureen from my community group. Please pray for unity among our team, that we would work well with the staff in India, and that we would be humble and culturally sensitive during our time there. We will be visiting some families of children who attend the school, who live in extremely poor conditions, so I just want to be really respectful during our visits. Also, please pray for our health. (I had food poisoning in China once and it's an experience I hope to never repeat!)

Ministry
I truly believe that God has a reason for me going on this trip. I don't really know what that is, so please pray that God would show me whether He is calling me to serve here on a more long-term basis and if so, how. And if not, how I can use this experience for future ministry.

I will be in New Delhi July 23-29. That morning Katie, Maureen and I will fly to Cochin in South India. Maureen's parents have a house in Kerala and happen to be in India during our visit. so they are going to pick us up and show us around for a few days! We will be able to stay at their house which is a huge blessing! I have heard this area is beautiful so I'm really excited. We fly out of Cochin the afternoon of Aug. 1, arriving in Austin the morning of Aug. 2.

I am so grateful for this opportunity! I promise to take lots of photos. :)

First class!

I taught my first ESL (English as a Second Language) class last night! Well, my first class in 10 years that is. I hadn't taught a class since I got back from China.

It's our first week of classes, finally! It's taken quite a bit of work and planning to get these classes started, but thanks to a big group of volunteers, we were able to set up two classes per night Monday through Friday. I teach the Tuesday night 6:30 class along with an older guy named Russ. The students are almost all refugees who have recently moved to the U.S.

Our class had only three students - Dayneris, who is about my age and from Cuba; a middle-aged Iraqi man named Bahjat; and an older Iraqi woman named Sabiha.

I already knew all three of them just from hanging out at the apartment complex, so I knew how far along they were as far as their English proficiency, which was helpful. Knowing them made the class way more fun.

When I was in China, I didn't like teaching that much. I thought it was hard. It didn't help that I was teaching 1st - 5th graders with as many as 45 kids in each class. I have to say though that there was something I really liked about teaching last night - maybe it's that there were only three people in the class, or maybe that I knew them, or maybe just that they are adults.They seemed really grateful and eager to learn.

We started really basic with "My name is Cassie. What is your name?" and so forth. I have been in Sabiha's apartment on numerous occasions to hang out with Israa, her daughter, but I'd never heard her attempt a word of English. So it was really neat to hear her say "My name is Sabiha. I have five daughters and four sons." I admire her, being able to move so far away from home at such an old age; trying to learn the language and fit in.

I felt kind of bad for Russ. I think he had the idea that he would be able to tell all about his family, teach them a song and learn all about their lives. He would ask them a question and they would stare at him blankly. I don't think he was prepared for how "beginner" these folks really are. Teaching a language requires a huge amount of patience. You have to repeat the same sentence over and over and over.

I've never really thought of myself as an especially patient person, but strangely, last night, I had all the patience in the world. Maybe partly because I can relate to what it's like to be in a completely foreign country and cut off from all communication because you can't understand anyone. It's very isolating. Maybe I was meant to be a teacher afterall. We'll see.

A nice reminder

When I feel overwhelmed, I like to remember this verse.

“The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.” Acts 17:24-25

When I feel overwhelmed, I try to stop and remember that God is God and I am not.  He doesn’t need me to accomplish His purpose, but he allows me to come along for the ride.

God created rest on the 7^th day for our good. He commands us to take a day to stop our work and just rest in Him and remember that He is in control. We don’t have to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. It is his to carry.

Moving, again!

Six months sure did go by fast!

My roommates and I are moving, again. Next Saturday, to be exact.

We have loved our house and were hoping to stay through August, but our landlord was itching to sell it, so we had to bump up our move date.

Brittney and I are moving to an apartment near Mopac and 71. We're joining Andy Kampman's TOAG group in the fall and the entire group is moving to the same complex. It's a nice complex, right on the greenbelt. I'm pretty excited about the tennis courts and five swimming pools.

We leave for India in two weeks! We have another team meeting this Tuesday night. Super excited!

So..... in other news, I started dating someone. His name is Michael and I met him volunteering at the refugee apartments. He's super sweet and he loves Jesus. He has a great heart for serving. And he's from Kansas! Crazy. I guess we've been dating for about 6 weeks so it's still pretty new.

Ok, have to get back to packing!!!

Countdown to India- 3 1/2 weeks to go!

Our India team met tonight for the second time. We had a good meeting! There are only seven of us now- a couple people dropped out. I think a smaller group is better. The group leaders are a cute married couple named Skipper and Preston; then there's Katie and Maureen, who are both in my missional community; and two guys, Jonathan and Jorge.

Our assignment for tonight was to bring three articles about India and share them with the group. My three articles were about education, the poor treatment of women, and the stillbirth rate. Others shared about infanticide, sex trafficking and disease. It was really heavy. We spent time praying over each issue. Prayer is such an amazing thing. It is amazing to know that when we feel overwhelmed we can cry out to our Father in Heaven, and he hears us.

We also talked about our itinerary for our stay and things we need to do to prepare for our trip. They divided us into three teams: Katie, Maureen and me; Jorge and Jonathan; and Skipper and Preston. We will arrive on a Saturday. That Monday-Friday we will be doing activities with the kids at the Good Samaritan School. Saturday we'll be organizing a carnival! Over the next two weeks each team has to come up with the following:

1. Craft for 500 kids (we'll bring the supplies and show them how to make it)
2. A Bible study for kids ages 6-14
3. A devotional to do with the teachers and staff
4. A personal 5-minute Scriptural devotional
5. A Song to teach kids
6. 2 carnival games/activities
7. Recess activity

Honestly I feel like the teachers in India are way more qualified to lead US in a devotional. I feel totally humbled in these types of situations. Who am I with my privileged upbringing to tell these people what it means to trust God? I know that we are hoping to bless them but I am 100% confident that they will bless us more. I am just praying that we will be an encouragement, that we will walk in humility and love, and that we will learn from THEM what it looks like to trust God for everything.

We also discussed the need to begin establishing our "prayer team" that will commit to pray for us each day of our trip. I'm super excited. I love playing with kids. I'm excited to be going with Katie and Maureen. I know that it will be hard there, but I know that God has a purpose in me going. I had planned to go to London this summer with Brittney and the other girls from the Women's Development Program I was in this year. But back in the winter, a week before I had to commit to London, God showed me I was going to India instead.

I can't believe it's almost here. We leave in 3 1/2 weeks!!! Our team meets again in two weeks and we will share what we all came up with for all the above lessons/ activities.

Thank you for your prayers. Lately I have just been feeling overwhelmed by God's love and his goodness. Even in pain and suffering, he is good and he has a purpose.

Beach escape

It's Sunday evening and I'm exhausted. Brittney and I just got back from a weekend getaway to South Padre Island. I love the beach!! We spent Thursday night with her parents in McAllen and then met her sister Amy and Amy's friend Christina at the beach on Friday.

There is something about sitting by the ocean that makes me forget about everything past or future. I think it's because it's so pretty and relaxing and I just want to soak in every minute of it; it helps me just be completely in the present.

We went on a party boat Friday night (not my idea) which was a pretty hilarious experience. One of Amy's friends runs the boat company. As we walked up to the surprisingly small docked boat I wondered how they were going to fit all the people standing in line. Walking onboard, I felt like we were a bunch of Cuban refugees sailing for freedom, but amazingly we all managed to fit.

It was pretty relaxing if you don't count the three hours of BLARING 80s dance music that the onboard DJ played the entire time. Actually he did turn the music off long enough to watch the fireworks which was nice.

Saturday we spent the entire afternoon laying on the beach, which was awesome. I definitely would like to have some sort of beach house/condo someday. It's such an amazing escape. South Padre is really a pretty nice beach. It's no Mexico though.

Here's a photo of Brittney and I during the boat ride. The funny thing about this photo is before I took it I said, "make your best seductive face." Note to self: we REALLY need to work on our seductive faces.

Summer plans

Lots of things going on this summer! Here's a quick update:

1. I'm going to start teaching an English class at the refugee apartments. I think this will be a lot of fun and a great way to meet people, but also kind of a big commitment. We have a group of about 15 volunteers who all want to teach which is awesome. We are still trying to work out the details, curriculum, etc. and it's a little overwhelming. The classes are set to begin the week of June 4. I think it will definitely be trial by fire but should prove to be pretty entertaining.

2. Going to India! I'm going to India July 21-29 with the Stone and I can't wait!! I finally got my support letters sent out and so far I've raised $700. woohoo! Only $1,900 more to go. We will be staying in Delhi and working at the Good Samaritan School. Here's a short video that tells the awesome story of how the school got started: http://www.hopechest.org/india/. If you would like to support our team, you can do so here! https://secure.acceptiva.com/?cst=9cd900.

3. Selling my condo. I've been renting out my condo for the past five months and it's worked out really well. The lease is up at the end of June though and I've been trying to decide what to do next. I think the market in Austin is doing pretty well these days, so I think I've decided that I'm going to sell it in July. I don't really have plans to move back to it and I'm worried that my next tenant might not be so great. I am convinced that realtors are a giant scam and completely unnecessary, so I'm going to attempt to sell it myself. I mean I didn't use a realtor to buy it, so why do I need one to sell it? But obviously this will require some extra time and research.

4. Where will I live? Speaking of leases, the owner of the house I'm currently living in has agreed to let us stay till the end of August, which is super sweet. (They also want to sell the house.) So Brittney and I have been trying to decide where to move next. How awesome is it that we still want to live together?! Our 3rd roommate Court is dreaming of moving overseas and teaching English, so we may be in the market for a 3rd roommate. Please pray that God will give us clear direction in this!

5. Going to Washington. My work has agreed to let me go to D.C. for a few days to do a public speaking training. I love D.C.! I think I'm gonna go in a couple weeks. So that should be fun.

6. Direction for my missional community. I feel like we have some changes coming up for my community group which is exciting but can also be scary. I'm definitely praying that God will give me wisdom in that.

Those are the big things coming up. Should be fun but can also be overwhelming. Just praying and trusting the God will give me clear direction. Thank you for your prayers!

The Lord is my stronghold

I am grateful that for all the strongholds that have attempted to keep me down over the years, the LORD has been my ultimate stronghold and refuge! He is stronger than every other power and in HIM nothing can defeat you.

"The Lord is the stronghold of my life," Psalm 27:1

Psalm 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

² When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.

³ Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.

⁴ One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.

⁵ For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

⁶ And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.

⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
⁸ You have said, “Seek  my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
⁹ Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
¹⁰ For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
¹² Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.

¹³ I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
¹⁴ Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

Listening to God

Had an awesome time praying with Brittney this morning. We've been doing a lot of praying together this week over some upcoming decisions. Can I just say it is AMAZING to have a roommate that you can pray with? I mean REALLY pray with- not polite before-Sunday-brunch prayers, but face-on-the-floor-please-help-me-with-this-struggle-and-show-me-what-to-do-prayers. If you don't have a prayer partner like this, I highly recommend it.

We read some Scripture and then did some listening prayer. Listening prayer is sort of new to me but I'm a big fan. Basically you read some Scripture, ask God a question and then you just quiet your mind and listen for at least 20 minutes or so. Keep a journal and write down whatever comes into your mind. Sometimes He answers, sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes He changes your question.

This morning my heart wanted to know about my husband. I say my husband because I do in faith believe that God knows who my husband is. He's already ordained it. It's just His timing as to when this person will actually become my husband. I know He has it all planned out.

The problem is I'm pretty impatient and not a huge fan of waiting. The other problem is that my biological clock has been in overdrive since I turned 29. It is a difficult thing to literally feel like your body is in a war with your spirit and screaming at you "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR."

So, this leads to a lot of questions. Why is it so difficult? Why is it taking so long?

So that's what I asked, albeit phrased a bit more politely. And this is what He gave me.

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices."
Psalm 37:3-7

I realize this passage wasn't written about husbands or dating, but it IS about trust and patience, and really, that's what I need more than anything.

I wanted to know about my circumstances, but I think God wanted to remind me that He's more concerned about my heart. He wanted to remind me that I can trust Him, in whatever circumstance. And that was highly comforting.

So I'll continue waiting, realizing that the goal is not to change my circumstances but to trust in the Lord, delight in the Lord, and commit my way to the Lord, regardless of any circumstance. Because that kind of faith cannot be shaken.

Waking up empty

I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed. It's a familiar feeling. I had another crazy week with work, friends, missional community, tennis, etc.

Don't get me wrong, it was an awesome week. The highlight was definitely on Thursday when Widad, one of the Iraqi women from the refugee apartments, came to my missional community group! Our group is going through the book of Acts. It was awesome to hear her story and what she knows about Jesus. We really had an awesome time together.

I spent time with friends, I made some new friends, and I even spent some time serving God this week. The problem is that I really didn't spend much time with God. The result is always the same- burnout. I woke up empty.

A friend invited me to his church this morning and I almost went but decided to stay home instead. Do I really need to go to two church services today? (I'm going to my church tonight.) I needed to spend some time with God.

I spent some time in the Bible and prayed and went for a walk and was starting in on my long list of chores when I got a text from one of the sweet girls in my missional community saying she was praying for me and to let her know if there was anything she could pray for.

I wrote her back and said that I was feeling very overwhelmed and to please pray that I would rely on God's strength and not my own.

She wrote me back and said "I hope you will feel loved by Him knowing that I felt burdened to pray for encouragement/strength/perseverance for you this morning. You have such a big heart for the lost. I'm praying that you'll be able to rest in Him and His strength."

So then I started bawling. (Burnout symptom #2)

But really it was because her message DID make me feel loved by Him, and that was what I needed more than anything.

A couple weeks ago, our pastor preached on the Sabbath and how God commands us to take a day off and rest in HIM. Our demonstration of Sabbath actually gives us the opportunity to show with our life how we view God. You're either demonstrating that you have to work to secure your future or you're showing that you trust God to secure your future.

I think you're also showing what you value. Whether it's work, friends, relationships or even serving, nothing can fill you up and replenish your soul like God can. You have to spend time with Him, or you will end up empty.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." I Peter 5:6-7

New friend

On Friday afternoon I got a text that there would be a hangout at the refugee apartments that night. I felt like God was telling me to go. But when I got home from work I was feeling pretty lazy and I just wanted to veg out. I felt awkward about going by myself, I had no idea who would be there, and I had no idea what to expect. I had only visited the apartments once before for the ESL meeting. In case I'm not getting my point across,  I didn't feel like going. If it had been up to me I would've poured some wine and started a Downton Abbey marathon (yes that is what I feel like doing on Friday night, what about it). But the voice inside me was persistent. He wanted me to go. Fortunately, I've learned that when I feel like God is telling me to do something, I should probably do it. So I went.

When I got there, there were 6 or 7 people hanging out in front of the office. One of the very first people I met was an Iraqi woman named Israa who had arrived only the week before. She was so outgoing and friendly, we seemed to immediately hit it off. Her English is really amazing. I asked her if she had come to the U.S. with her family and she told me that she had come only with her mother and that she "had never managed to get a husband." I told her "hey me either!" and we had a pretty good laugh, ha.

She actually had been living in Dubai for the last 5 years. In Iraq she had worked at the American Embassy, which I think is why her English is so good. We ended up having a great time hanging out and meeting people.

Hanging out at the community garden with Israa and Widad from Iraq.

Before I left we exchanged numbers and I told her that I would be coming back on Sunday because I was giving a few guys from the Congo a ride to church. She said she would like to hang out again.

So on Sunday after church, I called her. She asked me to come over and have tea at her apartment. She tried to explain over the phone how to find her apartment but it was too confusing. I could tell she was a little hesitant to come outside and meet me but she did. Later I realized that it was because she had to get all wrapped up to come outside.

We went up to her apartment which she shares with her mom. She unwrapped her headscarf and took off her shawl and started making some tea. In the living room was just one couch, no other furnishings or decorations, except for a table in the dining room. She made me some tea and we sat on her couch for about an hour and a half just chatting. She showed me pictures from Dubai on her laptop and we talked about guys, haha. But then she started telling me some of her story and I quickly remembered that we have come from very different places.

While living in Iraq and working for the Embassy, her brother had been kidnapped and killed. She never really knew the reason why, but she always suspected that it had something to do with her working for the government and helping the U.S. The government told her that she was a target and would need to leave the country. Because she had an engineering degree, she and her mother were able to go to Dubai. She has another brother who relocated to Germany, another sister in Dubai, and two other sisters still in Iraq, who she worries about daily.

With the downturn of the economy, she lost her job in Dubai. Because of that, she lost her visa. That's when she came to Texas. She is looking for a job as an architect.

The next day she sent me a text that said, "Hi Cassie, thank you so much for your visit yesterday night. U bring happiness to our apartment and we have great time with u." So sweet! I told her I was so glad to have met her and that I would see her again on Wednesday because I was coming to help at the garden.

So yesterday at 5:30 she showed up at the garden and together we watered and picked a ton of veggies. She invited me and another girl named Sonja to her apartment so that we could cook the veggies for dinner! My friend Sara and another Iraqi woman named Widad came too. We had the best time! It was just like a regular girls night. We didn't leave until 10 p.m.

So in one week's time, we've hung out three times. That is totally a God thing. I know there is a reason God wanted me to meet her and I am thankful that I listened to His voice instead of my own.

I am still totally in awe of the fact that there is this huge community of people from all over the world living down the street from me.

Here's an excerpt from an article from the Traveling Team about what the Bible says about caring for refugees.

"Thousands of immigrants, international students, and refugees arrive in the USA each year. They are lonely, scared, yet excited and longing to fit into this culture so new to them.

Many of the countries they come from place hospitality as one of their highest values, and as for hospitality to foreigners, it goes without saying - it is essential.

Our Biblical Responsibility

You can imagine their surprise when they arrive in a country like the United States and instead of being treated as visiting royalty, they are ridiculed, insulted, or even worse, ignored.

As Christians we are often guilty of being the very ones who are ignoring the aliens in our land. This goes directly against very clear commands from God in the Bible: "When the alien lives in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God." (Lev. 19:33-34)

"He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are alien, for you yourself were aliens in Egypt." (Deut. 10:18-19)

What is wrong?

I have spoken across Canada challenging people to go as missionaries overseas. Inevitably someone will stand up and say quite smugly, "Doesn't missions begin in our own backyard?"

To his surprise, I often shout a loud "Amen!" and say, "Yes, let's begin with those God directed us not to ignore: the widows, the orphans, the aliens (immigrants, refugees, international students), the homeless, the hungry, and the prisoners."

If there was uncomfortable shifting in the seats before, the room now sounds like a game of musical chairs. Why the guilt? Because there are no excuses. They are in our backyards and we are accountable to God for them. Regretfully, we live in an age when we can piously give to the building fund, sit on a committee for evangelism, and sing in the choir, while ignoring our Pakistani neighbor.

There are literally thousands of alienated people waiting for some genuine love and concern."

A promotion and a new opportunity

Two exciting things happened this week! The first is related to work. Kara asked me to go to lunch yesterday to talk about my job. These lunches don’t come around too often, so I knew it was pretty significant. Yesterday morning I just prayed that God would direct me and that if I should ask for a promotion then He would give me the opportunity. I haven’t been promoted since I started this job four years ago, and I think the main reason is that we are a small office and in four years, no one above me has left. But also I haven’t asked.

At lunch she asked me how I was feeling about things and I told her that things were fine, but that I would be interested in taking on more responsibility and that it was easy for me to just run on auto pilot. She asked me what I had in mind. We had a good conversation and I feel like she kind of created a new position for me, which I’m pretty excited about. I felt good about the job, but I also felt good knowing that she cared about my happiness and apparently wants me to stick around.

Basically, I’ll be doing a lot more public speaking and presentations for groups in lieu of my boss, and I’ll be doing it around the entire district, instead of just the four counties that I cover now. So it’ll be awesome public speaking practice and I’ll get to travel to some new areas and it will just give me something new to do. I’ll also do some more writing and researching. I even have a fancy new title: director of community outreach and field operations. J

I really felt like it was God’s way of telling me that I really am where I need to be right now. Who knows how long I will stay in this position, but for right now, I think this is where He wants me. It was reassuring.

The other exciting thing to happen is tonight I met with a few people interested in starting a new ESL class for the refugee community in east Austin. The classes would be held at this apartment complex that is only a half mile from my house. It is filled with refugees. Tonight we met at the complex and it was my first time to visit. Walking around, I really felt like I was in another country. It was so cool! I must’ve seen people from a dozen different countries. It seemed like a really happy place, there were a bunch of people outside and kids playing soccer and swimming.

I just think it’s cool how I’ve really been wanting to go to another country and God just provided this opportunity. It’s like He brought the other countries to me. I really feel like maybe this is why He brought us to this neighborhood. Brittney wants to do it too. She is already helping an Iraqi boy with his English once a week.

Our group is supposed to meet again next week. The classes won’t actually start until July or August, so that will give us plenty of time to recruit volunteers and get the curriculum ready and let people know about the classes.

I feel like this also gives me some direction as far as where to live after our lease is up this summer. I think I want to stay in the same neighborhood so I’ll be close to the apartments.

We will see what happens but I just feel good knowing that God IS opening some new doors for me and that there are exciting opportunities all around me.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer 29:11

　

Remembering my brother this Easter weekend

Seventeen years ago, on the Saturday before Easter, my family buried my brother Paul. He was 33 years old and was killed in a car accident while driving from Washington to Kansas.

That period of time is a bit of a blur to me, a mixture of sadness and confusion and anger. I was 15.

The reason Paul was driving from Washington to Kansas is that he had actually decided to move back home for awhile, to straighten some things out. Because of the age difference and the fact that he lived so far away, I never really got to know Paul that well. I couldn't wait for him to come back. But he never made it.

It was Good Friday when we were able to see Paul's body at the funeral home in Liberal. What can I say about it? It was just so sad.

That evening at about 10, with our house filled with uncles, aunts and cousins, my mom said she had to go back to the funeral home. She couldn't bear the thought of burying him the next day and just needed to go sit with him.

As she sat there, mourning the loss of her son, not able to let go, the Lord reminded her what day it was. It was Good Friday. And that on that day so many years ago, the body of Jesus was just as dead as my brother Paul.  But that on Sunday, He rose from the dead, conquering death.  And because of that, she would see Paul again one day.

She was able to go home and sleep that night and the next day, she was able to bury her son.

On Easter Sunday, my entire extended family went to church. It was a beautiful spring day. When our pastor got up to deliver the sermon, he welcomed our family and said something along the lines of how he was impressed that we had all managed to make it to church after the funeral the day before.

My brother Danny leaned over to my mom and whispered, "Where else would we be?"

Engraved in my brother's tombstone is the verse I Thess 4:16:

"For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first."

I am thankful for Jesus and I'm thankful for the cross. I'm thankful that for those in Christ, death isn't goodbye forever.

I'm 33 now, the age Paul was when he died. It is amazing how quickly time passes by. I didn't get to know my brother that well here on Earth. I'm really looking forward to getting to know him in Heaven.

Reflections from a 23rd birthday

Well I've had 45 page views for my blog so that's pretty exciting. Honestly I can only think of 6 or 7 people who might be remotely interested in anything I have to say so I'm pretty happy with those numbers. I even have two followers and neither of them is my mom!

On second thought, why isn't my mom following me? 

It's been a pretty good week. Brit and I celebrated our roommate Court's birthday on Wednesday- she turned 23. Sheesh. It's an interesting thing to live with someone 10 years younger than you. I keep comparing everything she does to the 23-yr-old me in my head. 

I celebrated my 23rd birthday in Shenzhen, China. I had been there for six months as part of a teaching English program. My birthday party was really fun. A bunch of people in our group went to a "Mexican" restaurant owned by a Chinese woman who had lived in England for awhile. She had never actually had authentic Mexican food. Needless to say, the food was awful. But we had fun. I think we ended up at some weird Chinese dance club.  All I remember is there was a lot of tequilla.

In some ways that year doesn't even feel that long ago but in other ways it almost feels like it was another lifetime, and I was another person. I was so stupid and careless. It is definitely by the grace of God that I didn't end up dead or in some remote Chinese prison.

I was thinking this week about how I have a tendancy to compartmentalize my life into different chapters, sort of like 'old' me vs. 'new' me. It makes me uncomfortable when the two worlds overlap. It doesn't happen that often; for the most part I can keep everything nice and separate. Most of the people I spend my time with these days have known me for less than a year. It wasn't a deliberate thing- a lot of my older friends have moved away or had babies or we've just drifted apart. I became desperate for more community with other believers and so I got more involved in church and started a community group.

God has blessed me with some amazing new friends over the last year.  It's just kind of weird because they only know a certain part of me. The part of me that loves Jesus and leads a Bible study and wants to go on mission trips. They didn't know the part of me that struggled for years to trust God, to believe that He wanted the best for me. They didn't know the me that was stubborn, hot tempered, emotional; the me that went out drinking three nights a week (if not more); the me that wanted to do what I want, whenever I wanted.

I feel like the people I relate to the best are the ones who've had a rebellious path; who tried to make it on their own before stumbling miserably; who sinned BIG. It's harder for me to relate to the ones who have grown up loving Jesus and have always loved Jesus and have for the most part just led a "good" life. It's not that I don't admire them and their faith. It's just harder for me to relate because my path was so different.

A huge turning point for me in my faith was when I realized that being a follower of Jesus isn't about being a "good" person. It was realizing how much I had rebelled against God, how much I had tried to run from Him, but realizing that He never left me.  He still loved me. And He really did want the best for me. And that in my dumb rebelliousness I was squandering away my life.

I sometimes feel afraid to tell my new friends about the old me because I think they will judge me. I feel afraid to tell my old friends about the 'new' me, because I think they will think I'm some self-righteous religious weirdo. It's so dumb and I think it's satan's way of keeping me completely ineffective wherever I am.

I know that the past is the past and I shouldn't dwell on it and I've been forgiven. But I think that God allowed me to go through some stuff because it gives me an opportunity to relate to others going through the same thing. And by not being open about it, I'm not giving Him a chance to use me to help others.


I think God is showing me that I have to stop hiding from my past because it's not authentic, it's not true and I'm robbing the power from the gospel. I have to be honest about where I came from so that God can get the credit for where He's brought me. Not that I've arrived or anything, or have everything all figured out.


But there are people all around me who are struggling to trust God. They are running from Him and trying to go their own way. They need to know that He still loves them and wants the best for them. They need to know He's still there, even when they sin big.

Good advice

Here is some good advice I received from Lori at Real Hope for Haiti back in November. I had just gotten back from Haiti and really wanted to go back.

So many people that come to help in Haiti do it because they are moved by emotion.  You must be called and equipped by God and God alone.  Nothing in yourself (strength, love, patience) will get you through being a missionary here.  It has to be God.  You have to know that you know that you know that God is telling you to do this.  In the past 2 weeks, we know of 7 white people that have been robbed.  Two places shot multiple white people.  Though no one died, it is a possibility.  You have to settle all of these issues in your heart.  I hope that the training program that you are involved in will help you evaluate your emotions, motivation, and calling.  I don't want to discourage you.  I just want you to count the cost.

It's been five months since I got back from Haiti. Had there been an opportunity, I'm pretty sure I would've jumped back on a plane to Haiti in January. Actually, I offered to. But the two opportunities I applied for didn't work out. Another door that God seemed to close.

Lori told me that if I was interested, I could come for two weeks this summer. A two week visit is required for anyone who wants to volunteer long-term. It can be a confusing thing: emotion vs calling. Would I go back to Cazale? Of course. But then I also think about how many volunteers and misionaries and relief workers are already in Haiti, and I think, "Wouldn't it be better to go somewhere where there isn't any help?"

In the meantime, a door that God HAS opened for me is the opportunity to go to India this summer with one of the girls from my missional community and a group from the Stone. I have wanted to go to India for years so I am really excited.

Maybe the best thing to do is just keep walking toward doors and wait and see which one God keeps open?

The anxiousness of waiting

My last semester of college, as graduation approached, I started experiencing extreme anxiety that kept me awake at night. I had no idea what to do after May. Up until that point, I always knew what the next step in my life would be, because it basically involved some form of school. Some might say the next step was to get married, go to grad school or get a job. The problem was that my boyfriend and I had just broken up, I was totally burned out on school and the idea of getting a desk job terrified me. I was lost, UNTIL I expressed my lost-ness to a friend and he said, “why don’t you go teach English in China for a year?” Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that!? I signed up and 6 months later was sitting on a plane to Beijing. And it turned out to be one of the greatest adventures of my life.

Flash forward 10 years. I’m 33. One might think I should have my life completely figured out by the age of 33; the problem is I don’t. I battle against anxiousness. I feel like I’m waiting for something but I don’t know what. Lately I've found myself starting to experience those same pangs of anxiety that plagued me before graduation.

Waiting for something is hard but I would venture to say that waiting and not even knowing WHAT you are waiting for is harder.

The difference between 23 year old me and 33 year old me can be pretty well summed up in one word: faith. I’m at a point now where I DO believe that God is with me and guiding me and has a plan for my future. 23 year old me? Not so much. In some ways this is comforting. In other ways? It’s harder. I can’t just run out with my ever expanding ways-to-conquer-the-world list and jump on the next plane across the ocean unless I feel like HE is calling me to do that.

(I did actually attempt to do that recently and felt the Spirit of God tell me overwhelmingly to STAY. OK God, got it!)

Maybe this is weird, but I think I suffer from missionary envy. I read about people like Katie Davis who moved to Uganda and adopted 13 orphan girls, or the people at Heartline in Haiti who run a maternity center for expectant Haitian women, or my friend Miranda who is teaching kids in the Domincan Republic, and I feel JEALOUS of them! Now THAT is excitement! Why can’t God give me a cool mission like that??

I could go serve somewhere overseas, but where? I could start a non-profit, but what kind? There are a lot of homeless people in Austin. I could start a homeless shelter. Maybe I should help the refugees. I started to feel suffocated by the overwhelming number of possibilities to serve.

I felt like God was telling me to think bigger. But what is bigger? I found myself asking, “OK God, I am staying, but what do you want me to DO?”

The answer was more terrifying than I ever could have imagined.

Nothing. Wait. REST in me. Spend time with me.

Eeeek! How can I do nothing? You need me! Oh. Wait. Scratch that.

I started to realize how much I have a tendency to cram every minute of my schedule with busyness. Granted, a lot of times it is “good” things like volunteering or taking classes at my church or going to dinner with friends. The problem is that it leaves very little time for resting in God, for spending time in His word, for praying, for listening, for TRUSTING.

I started to realize that maybe part of my motivation for wanting to start a homeless shelter or a non-profit or even adopt 13 Ugandan girls is because it would make me feel like I had accomplished something with my life. For years to come, people would remember me and say I had done good things. Maybe I feel like I can get things accomplished a little bit better and more efficiently than anyone else, including God (ouch). Maybe my to-do list keeps expanding because I don’t trust God enough to wait for Him to tell me what to do.

I started to realize that nothing I can DO- adopt a hundred orphans, build a dozen homeless shelters, travel around the world- you name it, will EVER bring contentment to my soul if I am doing it out of my own ambition and desire to make a name for myself. Because there will always be a more glamorous cause. There will always be more people in need than I can help. Maybe I should start a support group called “I’m here to help! Humanitarian junkies and their enormous egos.”

Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely love serving and volunteering and helping those in need. God calls us to do it. But He doesn’t Need me. He also wants me to remember that He is God, and I am not. There is a fine line between helping people with a genuine desire to make HIS name great, and a desire to make MY name great.

So what do I do? I remember that He is God, and I am not. I will rest and spend time in His word, and pray and listen. I will prioritize time in my schedule for HIM. And I will wait, resist the urge to DO and trust that He has a plan bigger than mine.

God has given me a season of very little distractions in my life so that I can focus all my energy and attention on getting to know Him and falling in love with Him in a way I never have before. It is a gift. I don’t know what the next chapter in my life is, but that’s OK. I know who is writing the story. I’m still praying that he will throw in a few adventures.

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth.” - Psalm 46:10